Where now??

Waiting is hard.  Right now, I am waiting for the call that will tell me if I am getting one more round of the DOC chemo or if I will be going to surgery in early October.  I am praying that God's will be done.  It is day 16 after my last chemo and I am so stiff that I hardly can move ... even my fingers are fighting me ... so I am not a huge fan of the DOC chemo ... but am willing to do whatever will give me the best chance.

I have heard whole sermons on how God needs to be number one on our list of priorities and I have always wondered 'why would we ever put God on a list of importance?'.  God is the reason that each of us exist.  He planned that I would be born less that a year after my big brother.  He wanted me to grow up in a Christian farm  family with four brothers, a sister and numerous cousins.  He picked my career ... I had too many options ... but he knew what he wanted me to do.  He chose my husband and has given me wonderful children.  He has protected me so many many times.  He has also put many kind people in my life to help me through my trials.  It is fine to make a list of what is important in your life but put it in your life book with a title that says "God's plan for me".  God is omniscient. God is everywhere.  He does not belong on a list.  I say that God should be captain of our ship or head coach on our team.  When we put him in charge, our lives can truly become what they are meant to be and everything will just fall into place.

No one ever said that life was going to be perfect and neither are people. Satan knows our weaknesses and will use them against us.  I have be struggling with chemo side effects and thinking about my impending surgery.  I had someone say some very disrespectful and mean things to me last weekend. I'm not sure why the comments made me so sad.  My family is not very close to this person and I recognize that they probably are not mentally well.

"A merry heart is [like] medicine; but a broken spirit drieth the bones." Proverbs 17:22

It was not until my husband said to me, "Satan knows your weakness and he is using it.  Satan does not want you to get well.  You don't do well dealing with mean people and Satan is using them to make you sad. Pray and tell God to get Satan out of your house."  What a relief ... not to know that Satan was successfully using someone to work on me but to recognize that I could do something about it. Pray and pray some more!

1 Corinthians 15:33 says ... "Evil company corrupts good habits".  I am so grateful for all the good people around me and support that I am getting.  I am also very happy that God do not expect us to be in situations with evil people especially when it makes us uncomfortable.  I have to choose to just stay away from them.   I have enough to deal with right now and keeping a merry heart needs to be my focus.

I like this quote. " Tell of the matchless power of Christ, and speak of His glory.  All heaven is interested in our salvation. The angels of God, thousands upon thousands, and ten thousand times ten thousand, are commission to .... guard us against evil and press back to powers of darkness that are seeking our destruction."  (E.G. White, The Ministry of Healing)  Did you get that .... ten thousand times ten thousand of angels looking out for us!!  Praise the Lord! I really like those odds because those angels are on my side.  I am praying right now that God send in some extra reinforcements to help me through my struggles.  God Bless you all and enjoy the amazing fall weather. I will.  :)

Exhausted!

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  Matthew 11:28

 After 5 months of chemo I truly understand the need for rest.  The Bible gives us lots of advice on prayer and what is really important in life.  I find that especially now when feeling discouraged or challenged I am turning the God's word.  Before I started chemo, I was told to go the 'Chemo Education Class' at the Tom Baker Cancer Centre.  It was good and I learned information that I will probably never forget.  One point was that "As a chemo patient you are going to feel exhaustion like you have never felt.  No amount of sleep will solve it."  The basic science behind this exhaustion is that the chemo attacks all fast growing cells in the body.  This includes red and white blood cells among other things.  As the red blood cells drop in number the feeling of being totally drained follows. There is very little that a chemo patient can do .... make sure I eat healthy, take my walks and rest.
So what am I doing the day after Chemo #7 writing in my blog.... my only possible answer is that they gave me a huge dose of steroids yesterday in an attempt to counter act the "toxic" reaction that I had to the DOC drug last round.  I will continue the steroids for the next two weeks.  My body feels tired but my brain is doing flips. :)

I want to share a couple examples of when I have tried to do things and faced exhaustion.  I am doing this for understanding and for people who may also be going through chemo because there are times when I actually thought "am I crazy.... what is going on".  

 1. The Hill:  I walk every day.  My route includes walking on a gravel road. When driving one does not even think about  it but there is actually a hill on this road and our house sits on the ridge.  Many times I have paused at the bottom of the hill and thought "OK ... I can do this ... just one foot in front of the other."  Sometimes I even pray strength.  I always carry a cell phone and have yet to call for a ride home.  It helps too that our dog, Rocket, is very willing to pull me home where I can rest. I have a feeling today is going to be one of those days.

2. The Grocery Store:  I had really had the best intentions and thought I was feeling well enough so off I went to the grocery store I went.   As I was shopping, I felt my energy levels dropping and so cut my shopping trip short. I lined up at the checkout only the realize that I did not have the strength to push the cart another inch. I managed to unload the cart onto the checkout belt and that was it .... I was done.  Tears streamed down my face and I told the cashier I was exhausted and could not load the groceries myself.  She called her manager who gladly loaded the groceries, pushed them out to our truck and the loaded them into the vehicle.  I have a really strong desire to be independent and take care of myself but that is the last time I will attempt to buy groceries on my own while on chemo.

I can hear my good friend, Shelley saying to me "Just let it go ... take a breath ... this is not going to last forever."  I will get through this and it will be Ok.  And there are good kind people who want to help they just need to know what I need.

My Aunty Fern sent me a poem that makes me laugh ...

A Poem by  Nellie (wife of a man receiving "meals on wheels")
Build yourself a strong box
Fashion each part with care.
When it is as strong as your hands can make it
Put all your troubles in there!
Hide there all thoughts of your failures
And each bitter cup that you quaff;
Lock all you heartaches within it
And sit on the lid and laugh!

 Nellie,1939.  

God does not want us to worry or struggle.  We need to put all of our trust in him and let him take care of things for us.  I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.  God Bless you all.

ps. I have good news.  The chemo is continuing to work wonders in shrinking the cancer and I have an appointment to see my surgeon on September 21.  :)