Side effects ...

 I woke up this morning and one of the first things I did was look at my desk calendar ... my eyes fell upon the upcoming week and pending chemo appointment.  I immediately began to feel the nausea creeping into my body.  Ugh!  I really need to think about other things ....

Achy, nauseous, bloated, constipated, lethargy ... and welcome to the world of chemo side effects. 

Somehow it my description of chemo sounds better if I add more to it ...
Achy, nauseous, bloated, constipated, lethargy,
getting well, forgiven and saved!  :)

God has given us the power of choice.  I can choose my approach to side effects and what I want to think about.


".... Always pursue what is good both for yourselves and for all.
Rejoice always,
pray without ceasing
in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
Do not quench the Spirit.
Do not despise prophecies.
Test all things; hold fast what is good.
Abstain from every form of evil." I Thessalonians 5:15-22
 

"....whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy --- meditate on these things."  Philippians 4:8

God has provided us with some very sound advice to think about positive things, rejoice  always and pray without ceasing.  He knows what my soul needs to continue with my own personal battle.  In fact, he sent me some wonderful company this weekend to visit and laugh with.   I have found positive people to be one of the best distractions.


A recent email that arrived in my mailbox says ...
"God is crazy about [us].
He sends [us] flowers every spring and
a sunrise every morning.
Whenever [we] want to talk, He'll listen.
He can live anywhere in the universe,
and He chose [our] heart[s]. "

I am so blessed that I can read and think. Happiness is my choice. God loves and remembers us all.  Rejoice always!

Change of Plans ....

I saw my oncologist today (he is back from holidays) .... and learned that tomorrow's chemo will be the FEC combination.  I will not be changing to the new chemo drugs until the next round .... the reason is .... drum roll please .... FEC is working really well. My right tumor is continuing to shrink ... has gone from just over a 5 cm radius to a 1.5 cm radius.  Amazing! Absolutely Amazing! FEC is going to get one more kick at the cancer.  My blood counts are up and so chemo is a go for tomorrow. After tomorrow’s treatment I will be 1/2 way through ... I am feeling good.  I know the chemo is working.  I have come to accept that I just need to go with the flow.  As long as I continue to ask God to watch over me and heal me that he will guide the steps of my medical team. 

“I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)”

I was actually surprised by what my oncologist told me about the amazing change in tumor size. One week ago another oncologist who was filling in for him told me that the tumors had not changed at all in size and so I was being switched to new drugs.  It is obvious that prayers are being answered.  My mom told me that she prayed all the way on her long drive to Portland.  "Really?!", I queried. "There wasn't anything else to do.", she replied.  :) Sometimes modern medicine can use some Divine intervention.

One Day at a Time ...

The birds are singing outside and I sit waiting ... on Thursday is chemo #4.  With each chemo I have felt almost what can be described as panic.  It is as if I am going on a trip and will be gone for at least a week.  I feel a need to prepare and get things organized. It is the whole 'want' versus 'need' dilemma. I keep listing in my head ... what needs to get done? what do I want to get done? what do I have to get together for myself so that I can make things somewhat pleasant for myself and my family? Today the panic does not seem to be as bad as in the past. Perhaps it is because I have things somewhat in order ... or perhaps I have come to acknowledge just what is not important ... as long as there is food in the house and my prescriptions are here.  What else is there really to get done?

Last week sent me into a tizzy. My chemo was actually scheduled for last Thursday but on Wednesday I learned that due to a lack of white blood cells in my body it was to be cancelled.   I have been told   that I will be switched from the FEC combination to Docetaxel which means new side effect.  These include the lifting of fingernails and all body hair disappearing (good bye eyebrows...).  Now, I was also being told that I needed to learn how to give myself a shot of Neulasta (the magic drug that although extremely expensive was going to get my white blood cells back on track). The hardest part to swallow was that I would not be re-assessed for early surgery ... I was going for the full round ... 5 more chemo treatments ahead.  I felt overwhelmed and a bit like throwing up. It was like opening a cupboard door and having all the plastic containers bounce off the top of my head and spew all over the floor.  The nurse told me, " It is going to be OK. Your body just needs a break and I will teach you all you need to know about giving yourself needles."  A week later, I can look back and say that it was good to have an extra week just to rest and feel OK.

At the time, all I could think about was that I was too sick to have chemo and I was going to have five more which means months of torture.  It took a day or so to get over my initial feelings. My 'ah - ha moment' came when I realized that I needed to approach this like I had at the very beginning ... one day at a time ... one chemo at a time ... broken up into smaller pieces it is something I can handle.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."  Matthew 6:34

It worked out. I enjoyed my week off and was able to visit with my sister who I had not seen in almost a year.    God has a plan.  I just need to trust in him.  God knew that I needed a break both physically and mentally.  I feel like I am ready for the challenges of my next chemo.  Life, right now, is easier to accept as 'one day at a time'.