Radiation

It is said that cancer changes people.  I feel like the same person but I wake every day with a glow in my heart and a smile on my face. I am alive and what do I get to do today? Life has become a celebration. I enjoy every moment that I get to spend with my family and am in wonder at what surprises will happen everyday. Thursday had a fun surprise for us. My oldest son was accepted to the University of Calgary.  He is going to embark on an adventure that will change his life and I get to watch it. Yesterday, I was able to watch my youngest son play in a basketball tournament.  It is a trill to see him hit 3-point shots and celebrate when his team wins. Such a blessing it is to watch my children grow up.  I have received an amazing gift.  The gift of life and I am going to have some fun!

Romans 8:21 “…God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God …”

The Christmas season is nearing and my standing joke is that I am putting on a ‘glow’ for Christmas:  The glow of radiation.

It is somewhat of a science fiction type of experience. I go for radiation every weekday and as of yesterday have completed 11 of the 25 prescribed sessions.

My rules for radiation (there are always rules … the radiation ones are quite simple)

·      Allowed 1 multi-vitamin, 1000 IU vitamin D, and a calcium/magnesium supplement daily

·      Use a water based moisturizer on the area being radiated 2 – 3 times daily

·      No green tea

·      Pace yourself

·      Be 15 minutes early for each treatment

·      Do not move, laugh or even sneeze during treatments

It takes me about 45 minutes to get to the Tom Baker Cancer Centre (on good roads).  I am so fortunate that I feel well enough to park east of the hospital on Toronto Crescent where parking is free as long as I am not parked there from more than 2 hours.  From there I walk down the hill or slide (depending on the amount of snow), cross the street and enter the cancer center basement entrance.  Radiation is in the basement and so I follow a yellow line to unit 1 where I slip my appointment schedule into a slot and change into a scratchy hospital gown.

The unit 1 radiation room is large with a really high ceiling and cold.  The coldness is because the machine needs it cold. I am given a warm blanket for my legs but my upper body is left bare.  I tell myself that this is good for my circulation.  If I ask, the tech will also put a blanket on my arms.  I lay on the hard narrow bed with my head on an apparatus and my arms above my head holding onto small handles that are directly above my head.  This position is not entirely uncomfortable but I do have to block out the fact that they have raised the bed about five feet in the air.  There are green grid lines that shine down on my body to which they line up my new tattoos and draw lines with markers to make sure that the treatment area(s) are exactly where they need to be.   When things are lined up perfectly, treatment begins.  Usually they start with the left side and then to the right.  A large camera lens type apparatus rotates around me to the correct position, beeping starts and then loud buzz begins. I imagine that the buzzing is a laser gun burning my cancer to ashes. When finished it moves to the next position and this continues until the treatment is complete.  Early on in the treatments, I learned I was special because they book an hour appointment for me. My allotted time takes up the time that 4 people usually take up and so “no” I am not allowed to change my appointment times.  So I show up with a smile on my face and ready to go in my time slot.

 

So far radiation treatments have done little more than cause tiredness, skin irritation and a little nausea.  My chest actually looks like I have been spending way too much time in a tanning salon and has become itchy.  I deal with my tiredness by taking power naps.  The feeling hits me in the afternoon and I just need to sleep.  I have been having wonderful heavy healing naps.

I learned this week that with the knowledge that they have today, I will not be able to say that I am in remission.  Perhaps in five years there will be a definitive test.  Aggressive cancer treatment is a good thing because as in my case it kills cancer and gives the patient an extended life.  I would never wish what I have gone through on anyone.  Someday I will be able to say, “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.”, 2 Timothy 4:7   However, cancer in 2011 is not always a total death sentence.  For the lucky ones it is a chance to figure out what life is all about.

Praise the Lord for the good roads, for my health and for this gifts that He has given me. Again, I am so grateful to all the kindness and prayers of the wonderful people around me. Merry Christmas to everyone!  May you enjoy the season and be blessed with much happiness and love.

"Never say Never"

 Life has handed me a plate of new experiences.  I have always had a stubborn streak ... one that allowed myself to say " I will never ...".  All I can say is that cancer has changed things.  Here are a some things that come to mind ...

• Tattoos ... no choice because they are needed for radiation mapping.
• Boob job .... still thinking on this one
• Stuffing my bra ... Yes ... I admit it! It helps me to camouflage the extent of my experience. 
• Dependent vs. independent ... Just give up ... take help whenever it is offered.  There are lots of things that I needed help with whether I admitted it or not
• White gloves ... they worked ... and so kept germs away
• Wear a wig ... this is funny ... so not 'me' until now ... who am I anyway?
• Toss the wig off ... if it gets too itchy or hot pull it off and go commando
• Embrace the baldness ... it feels awesome!
• Draw on eyebrows ... because it really is fun!
• Look forward to a boy haircut ... can't wait until my hair is long enough for one.
• Primping ... hours of it. Really! It helps soften the side effects of my treatments ... self care from cuticles to mouth care to eyes ... it sometimes feels like it will never end ... I do have really soft skin. :)
• Me 1st ... Wow!! Wave the white flag ... I had to be physically beaten down but I finally did figure out that if I did not put myself first I was not going to get better.  Cancer forces one to be self centered.  (which is very OK.)
• 'Stuck up' and it is OK... positive happy people are the ones who I wish to be around me.
• Cry anytime and anywhere ... It is important to just let it out!
• Talk to my cancer .... "Get out of my body cancer!You are not welcome!
• 'Let it go' ... if it is meant to be then it will be ...

Radiation is scheduled to start at the end of the week.  And as my dear Aunty Fern said to me ... Worry about nothing.  Pray with thanksgiving. Make you request known to God.  "And the peace of God which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:6,7

Additions:

• December 12 - Today I was instructed by the Radiation Tech that I need to spend at least an hour a day topless.  Air is good from my skin. So during radiation, I will be strolling around the house topless.   Please, call if you plan a visit. :)

Pathology Report!

Smiles and hugs to all!  This is better than I dreamed.  When people asked me when my pathology report was going to be done, I would jokingly say .... they are taking so long because they can't find any cancer.  I did not realize how close to the truth I really was. :)  This is the email that I sent out last night ...

"The surgeon called me tonight.  He said that the reason the pathology report
took so long was because they had trouble finding any cancer.  They did find
some micro-deposits where the tumours had been but he says that the cancer
is beat. Five of the 24 lymph nodes that were removed had had cancer in them
but it was dead.  He also said that it is very rare to see such positive
results to chemo treatments. I might not even need radiation!  Praise the
Lord! God is good!!"

"Rejoice evermore.
Pray without ceasing.
In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you."
1Thessalonians 5:16 - 18
 

May everyone have a wonderful weekend! :)

Resilience!

3 weeks and 6 days post surgery and I see a glimmer of how wonderful life can be.  Resilience ... I praise the Lord for resilience ... for the ability to go through trials and 'bounce back' with a spring in my step. My plan is to focus on getting well and enjoy life.   It is amazing how the Lord has created our bodies so that they can be resilient and heal.  For the first few days after surgery I could not even shower myself.  Imagine the joy in my heart when I discovered that I could shower without asking my husband to help me.  Independence is such a blessing.  On Monday I was amazed because I actually felt well. This past Friday, a kind pastor came to visit me.  Before she left she prayed that God would continue my healing and bless me.  Friday night was the first night since surgery that I have slept without pain or pain killers.  It was amazing.  Since then I have discovered that I can sleep on my side.  Again ... it is amazing!! This experience has made me truly grateful for the small things (like even being able to reach for a glass in the cupboard) and very grateful for the kindness in the hearts of my family and friends who have stepped up to help me. May God bless you all!

Like King David, I know with whom the praise for a victory lies.

Psalms 44 : 4 - 8 You are my King and my God, ....
⁶ I put no trust in my bow,
   my sword does not bring me victory;
⁷ but You give us victory over our enemies,
   You put our adversaries to shame.
⁸ In God we make our boast all day long,
   and we will praise your name forever.

One week ago I started doing my walks, again. Yesterday, I was up to 2 walks.  As I stroll, I am in awe of the beauty that God has put all around me.  Even with the change of seasons, I enjoy seeing the snow on the mountain tops.

The pathology report is not done, yet.  I am not anxious about it because I have decided that with the Lord's help I am going to finish well.

God is good!  I will continue resting and getting well.  I embrace this time of growth and accept Divine healing.

New Beginnings ...

I want to let everyone know that surgery went very well.  The surgeon said that he could not have imagined that the surgery would have gone as well as it did.  His comment made me smile because I know that God was with us in the operating room.  I am so happy because I am feeling so blessed and things are going in the right dirrection.  Praise the Lord!  God is good!!

Here is a link to a You Tube video that reminds us all that God is with us always. :)

Rascal Flatts - I Won't Let Go

God Bless you all!!

Update .... October 6, 2011

I have such good news!! My cancer has responded very well to the chemotherapy and statistically this makes my prognosis and chances of survival very very good.  We will find out more from the pathology report after my surgery.
So much has happened in the past week. My current goal is to focus on the next step in my journey ... the surgery.
1. Last DOC chemo treatment was cancelled due to complications that the drug was causing.
2. Chemo one week ago consisted of Herseptin.  I will continue on the Herseptin treatments for another year.
3. Surgery (full mastectomy and lymph node removal) has been moved up to be on October 14, 2011.
4. Tomorrow, October 7, I go for blood work to make sure that my blood counts are high enough for surgery.
5. Legs are currently swollen and stiff due to fluid retention. 
6. I attended an information session this morning at the Women's Health Centre to learn more about my surgery along with prevention and management of very possible side effects.

I continue to walk every day and am going to add in the arm exercises that I need to do after surgery so that they become part of my routine.  I am surrounding myself with positive thoughts and am focusing on being as healthy as possible so that I can hopefully get over as much of  the chemotherapy side effects prior to going to surgery.

The cancer experience has certainly opened my eyes to the experience of being diagnosed with a potentially terminal illness.   I however discovered that I have been so fortunate that my medical team has been very positive with me when speaking about my prognosis and that if I was ever going to have cancer I am fortunate to have the cancer that I have. As a cancer patient, I have spent a good deal of time in the Tom Baker Cancer Centre. During my treatments, I have not really connected with a lot of patients.  However, last week, while waiting for  blood work I leaned over to the bald cancer patient next to me and asked ... "so what kind of chemo are you on?".  She replied that she was currently on a 'trial' drug and that she had ovarian cancer.  Her name was Georgina. She wanted me to know that the key to survival was to have a positive attitude.  The next day when I entered the waiting area for chemo patients, there sat Georgina.  I greeted her with a smile and sat down to eyeopening conversation.  She wanted me to know the signs of ovarian cancer because her cancer had turned into stage 3 cancer very quickly.  With tears and fear in her eyes she told me that ovarian cancer patients usually only live 5 years post diagnosis. She was currently on year 3.  Georgina knows more than me ... she knows the fear of certain death... she knows what it is like to go through chemotherapy for 3 years. I only know what 6 months is like. But as a fellow cancer patient, I think that I understand.  Matthew 5:3 comes to mind. "Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the Kingdom of heaven. Belssed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted." Georgina was mourning for the life that was being taken from her.

I wanted to hug her and tell her that it was going to be ok.  All I could offer her was that I would pray for her. A small but as I have learned a very powerful gesture.  As I was called in for my treatment, I wished her the best.  I truly hope that our treatments would continue to coincide.

The wisdom that I wish to leave with you today is that it is so important to pay attention to our bodies and take care of ourselves. No one else will do it. I wish you much happiness, laughter, peace, love and blessings. 

Where now??

Waiting is hard.  Right now, I am waiting for the call that will tell me if I am getting one more round of the DOC chemo or if I will be going to surgery in early October.  I am praying that God's will be done.  It is day 16 after my last chemo and I am so stiff that I hardly can move ... even my fingers are fighting me ... so I am not a huge fan of the DOC chemo ... but am willing to do whatever will give me the best chance.

I have heard whole sermons on how God needs to be number one on our list of priorities and I have always wondered 'why would we ever put God on a list of importance?'.  God is the reason that each of us exist.  He planned that I would be born less that a year after my big brother.  He wanted me to grow up in a Christian farm  family with four brothers, a sister and numerous cousins.  He picked my career ... I had too many options ... but he knew what he wanted me to do.  He chose my husband and has given me wonderful children.  He has protected me so many many times.  He has also put many kind people in my life to help me through my trials.  It is fine to make a list of what is important in your life but put it in your life book with a title that says "God's plan for me".  God is omniscient. God is everywhere.  He does not belong on a list.  I say that God should be captain of our ship or head coach on our team.  When we put him in charge, our lives can truly become what they are meant to be and everything will just fall into place.

No one ever said that life was going to be perfect and neither are people. Satan knows our weaknesses and will use them against us.  I have be struggling with chemo side effects and thinking about my impending surgery.  I had someone say some very disrespectful and mean things to me last weekend. I'm not sure why the comments made me so sad.  My family is not very close to this person and I recognize that they probably are not mentally well.

"A merry heart is [like] medicine; but a broken spirit drieth the bones." Proverbs 17:22

It was not until my husband said to me, "Satan knows your weakness and he is using it.  Satan does not want you to get well.  You don't do well dealing with mean people and Satan is using them to make you sad. Pray and tell God to get Satan out of your house."  What a relief ... not to know that Satan was successfully using someone to work on me but to recognize that I could do something about it. Pray and pray some more!

1 Corinthians 15:33 says ... "Evil company corrupts good habits".  I am so grateful for all the good people around me and support that I am getting.  I am also very happy that God do not expect us to be in situations with evil people especially when it makes us uncomfortable.  I have to choose to just stay away from them.   I have enough to deal with right now and keeping a merry heart needs to be my focus.

I like this quote. " Tell of the matchless power of Christ, and speak of His glory.  All heaven is interested in our salvation. The angels of God, thousands upon thousands, and ten thousand times ten thousand, are commission to .... guard us against evil and press back to powers of darkness that are seeking our destruction."  (E.G. White, The Ministry of Healing)  Did you get that .... ten thousand times ten thousand of angels looking out for us!!  Praise the Lord! I really like those odds because those angels are on my side.  I am praying right now that God send in some extra reinforcements to help me through my struggles.  God Bless you all and enjoy the amazing fall weather. I will.  :)

Exhausted!

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  Matthew 11:28

 After 5 months of chemo I truly understand the need for rest.  The Bible gives us lots of advice on prayer and what is really important in life.  I find that especially now when feeling discouraged or challenged I am turning the God's word.  Before I started chemo, I was told to go the 'Chemo Education Class' at the Tom Baker Cancer Centre.  It was good and I learned information that I will probably never forget.  One point was that "As a chemo patient you are going to feel exhaustion like you have never felt.  No amount of sleep will solve it."  The basic science behind this exhaustion is that the chemo attacks all fast growing cells in the body.  This includes red and white blood cells among other things.  As the red blood cells drop in number the feeling of being totally drained follows. There is very little that a chemo patient can do .... make sure I eat healthy, take my walks and rest.
So what am I doing the day after Chemo #7 writing in my blog.... my only possible answer is that they gave me a huge dose of steroids yesterday in an attempt to counter act the "toxic" reaction that I had to the DOC drug last round.  I will continue the steroids for the next two weeks.  My body feels tired but my brain is doing flips. :)

I want to share a couple examples of when I have tried to do things and faced exhaustion.  I am doing this for understanding and for people who may also be going through chemo because there are times when I actually thought "am I crazy.... what is going on".  

 1. The Hill:  I walk every day.  My route includes walking on a gravel road. When driving one does not even think about  it but there is actually a hill on this road and our house sits on the ridge.  Many times I have paused at the bottom of the hill and thought "OK ... I can do this ... just one foot in front of the other."  Sometimes I even pray strength.  I always carry a cell phone and have yet to call for a ride home.  It helps too that our dog, Rocket, is very willing to pull me home where I can rest. I have a feeling today is going to be one of those days.

2. The Grocery Store:  I had really had the best intentions and thought I was feeling well enough so off I went to the grocery store I went.   As I was shopping, I felt my energy levels dropping and so cut my shopping trip short. I lined up at the checkout only the realize that I did not have the strength to push the cart another inch. I managed to unload the cart onto the checkout belt and that was it .... I was done.  Tears streamed down my face and I told the cashier I was exhausted and could not load the groceries myself.  She called her manager who gladly loaded the groceries, pushed them out to our truck and the loaded them into the vehicle.  I have a really strong desire to be independent and take care of myself but that is the last time I will attempt to buy groceries on my own while on chemo.

I can hear my good friend, Shelley saying to me "Just let it go ... take a breath ... this is not going to last forever."  I will get through this and it will be Ok.  And there are good kind people who want to help they just need to know what I need.

My Aunty Fern sent me a poem that makes me laugh ...

A Poem by  Nellie (wife of a man receiving "meals on wheels")
Build yourself a strong box
Fashion each part with care.
When it is as strong as your hands can make it
Put all your troubles in there!
Hide there all thoughts of your failures
And each bitter cup that you quaff;
Lock all you heartaches within it
And sit on the lid and laugh!

 Nellie,1939.  

God does not want us to worry or struggle.  We need to put all of our trust in him and let him take care of things for us.  I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.  God Bless you all.

ps. I have good news.  The chemo is continuing to work wonders in shrinking the cancer and I have an appointment to see my surgeon on September 21.  :)  

Light at the End of the Tunnel

1 Peter 5:8 "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour."

Chemo #6 is done and I feel like the 'roaring lion' has chewed me up and spit me out.  Day 14 after treatment and I finally feel like my "chemo hangover" is lifting.

On day 8 I wrote the following entry:  As I embarked on my evening walk tonight, tears streamed down my face.  The pain was anguishing.  It took about a quarter mile but slowly my aching bones and feet began to loosen up.  It is such a blessing that I forget most of the side effects of chemo until I am once again wrapped in its clutches.  At least this time I am avoiding the itchy hives (by taking lots of allergy medicine) that covered my body in very strategic locations last treatment.  The hives have been replaced by burn marks on my hands and wrists .... at least they are not all over my body.

I very much look forward to my daily walks.  My goal is to walk for 30 minutes every morning and then again 30 minutes in the evening.  Some days my walks are all that I do.  Statistics say that by walking for 30 minutes every day, I increase my chances of survival by 50%.   My goal is to survive and so if walking increases my chances, I am doing it.

Last week I met my radiation oncologist.  He informed me that I should expect 5 weeks of radiation treatments and that I will have appointments 5 times a week.  I certainly can ascertain from this that I will be glowing in time for Christmas. 


Praise the Lord for and thank you to all the kind individuals that are helping me through this ... everyone who prays for me, the kind ladies who clean my house, the good people who show up with food and fresh vegetables, my friend who drives me to appointments without question, the lady who made me a quilt and knitted hats,  my sons who drive me everywhere and help me shop, my family and their unconditional love and support, everyone who comes to visit me or even send a card, my sister-in-law who lent me her own copy of The Help before she even read it, my cousins for medical advice, my sister for her brilliant daily text messages, phone calls and emails ... the list goes on and on ... small gestures some ... but they all mean a lot to me and have renewed my faith in human kindness.

My mom has a friend that is a cancer patient ... she told my mom that 'a good day is when I go to bed with clean sheets and clean underwear'. ... I get it. I finally get it. I will talk about the total exhaustion that cancer treatments cause in another blog. 


Chemo #6 is done .... 2 more to go .... Yahoo! I can see light at the end of my tunnel. God Bless everyone and may we all see the light at the end of our tunnels.

Perseverance

To get through difficult times we all have learned methods that help us to make it. Chemotherapy treatments have opened up a whole new set of 'getting through it' skills.  Last Wednesday night in midst of a huge headache, I was trying my best to be physiologically ready for the looming chemo treatment the following day.  I happened to open the Bible to  ....“And he said unto me, 'My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong." -- II Corinthians 12:9-10.  Unable to read any more because of my headache I went to sleep with a back rub from my husband and "... when I am weak, then I am strong" echoing in my mind.

The next day, as we sat in the waiting room, I kept repeating "... when I am weak, then I am strong".  Upon being escorted into the treatment room (which just reminds me of a dairy barn ... people all lined up hooked to machines and the smell is something else ...).  I was given the nearest bed.  A kind nurse asked me how I was feeling ... nauseous.  The treatment had not even started, yet.  She suggested that it might be the smell of the treatment room and asked if I had anything pleasant to smell.  Amazingly, I had peppermint oil in my purse. A little on my temples and a few sniffs and the nausea began to subside.  God once again had provided a way to lesson my misery.  I do not remember much about this treatment because of the drugs given to stop allergic reactions to my current drug mix except that I continued to repeat "... when I am weak, then I am strong".

The best advice that I received early on in my chemotherapy treatments was  to "Hold God's hand tight, and listen to the Holy Spirit as he speaks to you, encourages you and comforts you".  Praise the Lord that in my delirium, I was able to remember enough of a Bible verse to get through this one.... 3 more to go ... and I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. By holding tight onto God's hand and with His help I will persevere. 

Side effects ...

 I woke up this morning and one of the first things I did was look at my desk calendar ... my eyes fell upon the upcoming week and pending chemo appointment.  I immediately began to feel the nausea creeping into my body.  Ugh!  I really need to think about other things ....

Achy, nauseous, bloated, constipated, lethargy ... and welcome to the world of chemo side effects. 

Somehow it my description of chemo sounds better if I add more to it ...
Achy, nauseous, bloated, constipated, lethargy,
getting well, forgiven and saved!  :)

God has given us the power of choice.  I can choose my approach to side effects and what I want to think about.


".... Always pursue what is good both for yourselves and for all.
Rejoice always,
pray without ceasing
in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
Do not quench the Spirit.
Do not despise prophecies.
Test all things; hold fast what is good.
Abstain from every form of evil." I Thessalonians 5:15-22
 

"....whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy --- meditate on these things."  Philippians 4:8

God has provided us with some very sound advice to think about positive things, rejoice  always and pray without ceasing.  He knows what my soul needs to continue with my own personal battle.  In fact, he sent me some wonderful company this weekend to visit and laugh with.   I have found positive people to be one of the best distractions.


A recent email that arrived in my mailbox says ...
"God is crazy about [us].
He sends [us] flowers every spring and
a sunrise every morning.
Whenever [we] want to talk, He'll listen.
He can live anywhere in the universe,
and He chose [our] heart[s]. "

I am so blessed that I can read and think. Happiness is my choice. God loves and remembers us all.  Rejoice always!

Change of Plans ....

I saw my oncologist today (he is back from holidays) .... and learned that tomorrow's chemo will be the FEC combination.  I will not be changing to the new chemo drugs until the next round .... the reason is .... drum roll please .... FEC is working really well. My right tumor is continuing to shrink ... has gone from just over a 5 cm radius to a 1.5 cm radius.  Amazing! Absolutely Amazing! FEC is going to get one more kick at the cancer.  My blood counts are up and so chemo is a go for tomorrow. After tomorrow’s treatment I will be 1/2 way through ... I am feeling good.  I know the chemo is working.  I have come to accept that I just need to go with the flow.  As long as I continue to ask God to watch over me and heal me that he will guide the steps of my medical team. 

“I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)”

I was actually surprised by what my oncologist told me about the amazing change in tumor size. One week ago another oncologist who was filling in for him told me that the tumors had not changed at all in size and so I was being switched to new drugs.  It is obvious that prayers are being answered.  My mom told me that she prayed all the way on her long drive to Portland.  "Really?!", I queried. "There wasn't anything else to do.", she replied.  :) Sometimes modern medicine can use some Divine intervention.

One Day at a Time ...

The birds are singing outside and I sit waiting ... on Thursday is chemo #4.  With each chemo I have felt almost what can be described as panic.  It is as if I am going on a trip and will be gone for at least a week.  I feel a need to prepare and get things organized. It is the whole 'want' versus 'need' dilemma. I keep listing in my head ... what needs to get done? what do I want to get done? what do I have to get together for myself so that I can make things somewhat pleasant for myself and my family? Today the panic does not seem to be as bad as in the past. Perhaps it is because I have things somewhat in order ... or perhaps I have come to acknowledge just what is not important ... as long as there is food in the house and my prescriptions are here.  What else is there really to get done?

Last week sent me into a tizzy. My chemo was actually scheduled for last Thursday but on Wednesday I learned that due to a lack of white blood cells in my body it was to be cancelled.   I have been told   that I will be switched from the FEC combination to Docetaxel which means new side effect.  These include the lifting of fingernails and all body hair disappearing (good bye eyebrows...).  Now, I was also being told that I needed to learn how to give myself a shot of Neulasta (the magic drug that although extremely expensive was going to get my white blood cells back on track). The hardest part to swallow was that I would not be re-assessed for early surgery ... I was going for the full round ... 5 more chemo treatments ahead.  I felt overwhelmed and a bit like throwing up. It was like opening a cupboard door and having all the plastic containers bounce off the top of my head and spew all over the floor.  The nurse told me, " It is going to be OK. Your body just needs a break and I will teach you all you need to know about giving yourself needles."  A week later, I can look back and say that it was good to have an extra week just to rest and feel OK.

At the time, all I could think about was that I was too sick to have chemo and I was going to have five more which means months of torture.  It took a day or so to get over my initial feelings. My 'ah - ha moment' came when I realized that I needed to approach this like I had at the very beginning ... one day at a time ... one chemo at a time ... broken up into smaller pieces it is something I can handle.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."  Matthew 6:34

It worked out. I enjoyed my week off and was able to visit with my sister who I had not seen in almost a year.    God has a plan.  I just need to trust in him.  God knew that I needed a break both physically and mentally.  I feel like I am ready for the challenges of my next chemo.  Life, right now, is easier to accept as 'one day at a time'.

Strength

Chemo #3 is done.  I have discovered the joy of "baby" hats (caps made of t-shirt material) to keep my head warm.  I have also found much joy strolling my our yard where the beauty of spring abounds.  I am so grateful that I have been able to go for my walk nearly every day because being outside makes me feel better.  I have spend most of my waking hours laying on our sofa this past week where I can gaze out the window and see so many birds.  Everything from hawks searching for mice to a tiny yellow canary type bird that flits from tree to tree.  With the amount of rain we have been getting I can not help but ponder how differently different birds respond to the rain: the duck does not care, the chicken panics, the robin sings when it is over.  I truly hope that I can be a robin.

Moses was sent into the wilderness for 40 years because God wanted him to develop skills that he had not acquired in the formal Egyptian education.  So I can not help but ask  ... What is this experience teaching me?  When I go for days without the ability to eat .... what is it teaching me?  When I go for nights without sleep because of a whiplash injury that is flaring up .... what is it teaching me? Right now, all I can do is pray that God will help me through my trials.

Isaiah 41:10 tells us that God will give us the strength that we need.

" Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed for I am your God.
I will strengthen you.
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous
right hand."

further on in Isaiah 49:14-15 it reminds us that God will not forget us.

14 "But Zion said, ' The Lord has forsaken me.
And my Lord has forgotten me.'
15 " Can a woman forget her nursing child,
And not have compassion on the son of her womb?
Surely they may forget,
Yet I will not forget you."

With all my experience breast feeding my own children, I know that I will never forget my children.  Forty-five years later my mom still does her best for me.   So I know that God will not forget us.  Perhaps, this experience is teaching me to totally depend on my Father in Heaven.  I may never know the answer to this until the second coming.

May we all experience the many blessings and much love that surround us.  May we also remember that God remembers us and will give us the strength that we need to get through our trials. God bless you.

Feeling Awesome!

I made it ... a port-a-cath surgically implanted and another chemo treatment.  With chemo #2 done I can say that I am 1/4 done.  Yahoo!!  Eight days after my treatment I am actually feeling OK.  I had the most wonderful nap today.  My cousin posted on fb that she is going to a "Million Reasons to be Grateful Party".  She asked "What are you grateful for?".  In moments I had a list: life, love, family, my husband, children, friends, freedom, religion, education, modern medicine, smiles, kindness, spring .... ok and even chemo .... there really are a million things to be grateful for.  I am grateful for so much that I want to throw one of those parties ... when I am done with all of this silliness. :)

I was sick with this last chemo treatment.  It hit me hard and fast.  Wow, did I pray.  I prayed that the Lord would fill me with the Holy Spirit and give me comfort in my troubles.  God answered my prayers and now I look forward to the next treatment in 2 weeks.

"Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness! You have relieved me in my distress; have mercy on me, and hear my prayer." (Psalm 4:1)

So now I ask ... What are you grateful for? :) 

I did it ...

Day 12 after chemo #1 and I did it.  After sleeping most of the afternoon, I put on my white gloves and went to Costco. Before I went in a prayed a quick prayer that God help me to be successful in my outing and that I would be able to avoid germs. I came home exhausted but feeling a sense of accomplishment.  Seth carried in my prized purchases (enough health bars and juice boxes to keep the boys snacking for a while) and I rushed to wash and sanitize my hands.  Life is good! and I am sure that I will sleep well tonight.  :)

In nothing be anxious; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.  Philippians 4:6

Dreams ....

Dreams are strange things.  They seem to come from no where and yet sometimes they have a message that is unmistakable. 

Last night I had a dream.  In my dream the oncologist announced that my cancer was gone without a trace. Everyone around me was cheering.  'How can that be' was my initial feeling and then I was flooded with warmth and happiness.  I had been given a second chance.  The most wonderful thing about it was that the people around me were so happy.

Now, just imagine the second coming.  Jesus comes back to earth for his people.  Sin is gone without a trace.  What a warm and happy feeling it will be for families reunited ... It will be better than a second chance at life here on earth.  It will be eternal life without sin ... no death, no pain, no disease ... everyone will be so happy and that will truly be amazing!  Take a moment to celebrate this amazing gift that our Heavenly Father has provided for each of us.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16

God bless you all.

Life's Opportunities

"Our time here is short.  We can pass through this world but once; as we pass along, let us make the most out of life. .... Our sphere of influence may seem narrow, our ability small, our opportunities few, our acquirements few; yet wonderful possibilities are ours ..." E.G. White

Chemo treatment #1 is done.  Seven more to go before surgery ... and I have come to realize why people will quit chemo.  The experience is not fun.  Not so much the actual getting the treatment but the after effects of having cancer killing poison injected into ones body.  Ironically, it is the chemo that is going to keep me alive so that I can continue my life.  This is my opportunity to show others that this can be done!

"Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, But a good word make it glad." Proverbs 13:25

I shall once again turn my worries over to the Lord.  And praise him for all the goodness that I am finding around me.  Thank you to all those who have given me a 'good word' and hope that I will once again dance!

Tomorrow it Starts

Tomorrow the chemo starts.  I spent most of the day at the cancer centre with blood work and a visit to the oncologist.  Again, he told me that the next six months are going to be a very difficult time in my life.  (I don't think that he realizes that I have so many people praying for me ... and that will make a huge difference in my bodies reactions to the chemo).   I have decided that it will be OK.  If I get sick it will be a reminder to me that the cancer is dying and for me to be healthy the cancer must die.  My friend sent me a Bible verse that is quite appropriate right now ... "

John 14:27 ...." Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you, not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

God promises us peace, and when our heart is troubled and overwhelmed with fear, be wants to take it all away. What a blessing!"   Let us all have peace! Blessings to all.

All in My Head ....

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude to me is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than success, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, gift, or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10 percent what happens to me and 90 percent how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes. "  Charles Swindoll  

The oncologist has told me that it will be 6 months of chemo and that it will not be a lot of fun.  I am fortunate that I live so close to one of the most progressive and best cancer treatment centers in the world. It is unbelievable that 40% of Canadian women and 45% of Canadian men will get cancer in their lifetime. It is striking how huge that is ... almost 1/2 of the Canadian population will get cancer in their lifetime.  I was reading last night and came across a statement that goes something like .... "It is not the events in our life that make us who we are but how we deal with those events that make us who we are." I am determined to face this 'speed bump' in my life with a positive attitude and not let my fears get the best of me.  At first, I was so overwhelmed by the diagnosis that all I wanted to handle was the basic information ... like where is my appointment and who is it with or where can I park for free.  Now I have so many questions floating around in my head ... there is so much to know and this all seems to be happening so fast.  The cancer education class at the cancer centre was wonderful.  It gave me lots information that has stuck in my head ... like don't lose too much weight because if you are underweight you body will not have the energy to fight the cancer and exercising 30 minutes a day will increase your chance of survival by 50%. I also learned that the feelings I am having are normal!   It is Ok to learn more now that I  know not everything I learn will be scary.  I feel better prepared to find out the information that I need. 

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7

I pray that the Lord will give my family the strength and wisdom that we need.

Life's Journey

“I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.” Mother Teresa

(http://thinkexist.com/quotation/)

I admit it ... I am one of the biggest babies on the planet. I am sad so I cry.  I am worried so I cry.  I am distress so I cry. I am happy so I cry. I am overwhelmed so I cry.  And in the few weeks, my emotions have gone crazy and I have done a lot of crying.  God believes that I can handle this and so I must also believe that I will have the strength to persevere. It is through my faith and support from the people around me that I know this will be OK.  I am amazed at how God is putting the right people in the right place to say and do the right thing ... Thank you!   It has not taken me long to realize that I am married to "Man of the Year" and have the best family and friends in the world.

 

My turning point was to come to the realization that this is part of my life's journey.  My cancer is treatable and if it is God's will that I go through this then it is being done to glorify God.  In all that I do I will glorify God.  He is the maker of the universe and the source of  life and love.  God is in control and knows the outcome of everything.  He is taking care of us even when we are unaware of His presence.

  

God has answered many of my prayers and spared my life many times over.  In the accident, one year ago, God actually spoke to me and said, "You and your family are going to be OK".  I have held onto that promise and it has helped me through this past year.  It will continue to give me personal reassurance.  There is a common saying that it takes pressure to make a diamond.  So I would expect by my birthday next year, I should be one sparkling diamond. :)

 “What then shall we say to [all] this? If God is for us, who [can be] against us? [Who can be our foe, if God is on our side?] He who did not withhold or spare [even] His own Son but gave Him up for us all, will He not also with Him freely and graciously give us all [other] things?” (Romans 8:31-32 Amplified)

Yesterday, in church the speaker said something that stuck with me .... 'It is our spiritual gifts that allow us to do God's work but our spirituality that keeps us humble'.  Right now, I am feeling very very humble.  My eyes are looking up and my heart is open, "Please Lord, let Your will be done, fill me with Your spirit and give me and those who love me the strength that we need to get through this. Amen”.

 

Ode to Love

I cry and you hold me.
I can't sleep and you read to me.
I am frustrated and you comfort me.
I am sad and you give me hope.
I am stressed and you deal with it for me.
I am alone and you find me.


We live, we laugh, we love and we grow together

Love is patient, love is kind and I finally understand.

Thank you.

My Experience .... so far ....

  What? How? Why? This does not make sense ... how can I have breast cancer? No one in my family has had breast cancer ... I don't drink ... I don't smoke ... I avoid sugar ... I love eating vegetables ... The doctor is crying ... this can't be good.  Now I am crying.

  One week prior I had a biopsy or rather 4 biopsies and now finally, after a week that seemed an eternity, I was dealt the news.

 Six days after the official diagnosis, I met with the surgeon who gave me my own personal action plan:
  1.  Chemo: 3 to 6 months
  2. Surgery: Total masectomy and all lymph nodes removed
  3. Chemo
  4. Radiation

  I feel better knowing what the future holds.  But Wow! I have come to the realization that this is not going to be a lot of fun.

  My solace in all of this have been my wonderful family and friends that have come to me with support and love.  I can do this.  I will do this.  God is with me.  My family and friends are wonderful.  It will be OK.



  This blog is an attempt to capture my experience and feelings about dealing with breast cancer.  It is not meant for medical advice but only to share what I am going through.