Forgiveness ...

I have forgiven before.  I have even forgiving people for things when I could not understand their motivation. However, upon prayer and urging from my homeopath, I have come to the conclusion that there are more people that I need to forgive!

So in order to fulfill my need to get information quickly, I have turned to the internet and also read Annette Stanwick's book Forgiveness: the Miracle and the Mystery.  I came across some really good information on the internet, as well .... 12 steps to Forgiveness, 7 steps to Forgiveness or how about the 4 steps described in Desmond Tutu's book  .... this needs to get done quickly. I also like another source which is very to the point. It refers to our feelings as being 'fickle' and says that it may take time for our feelings to catch up with our decision to forgive.

In all practicality, I have written my own 6 steps of forgiveness that I need to go through ...
1. recognize who/what I need to forgive
2. pray and tell God that I have forgiven them while asking for the ability to forgive them totally
3. if I get bothered by continued behaviour, I will just need to remind myself that I have no need for an emotional response and remind God that I have forgiven them
4. pray for them and that God bless them
5.  become a forgiving machine ... feeling offended or hurt leads to immediate forgiveness

There is a new booming field of research and clearly points to a need to pay attention to stress in each of our lives.  Countless studies also show stress and anger can cause or worsen diseases, such as cancer, heart disease, and various autoimmune disorders. "  A news story by CBN has the shocking headline "The Deadly Consequences of Unforgiveness". A decreased immune system is the opposite of what I need and want.  I have no time to waste.  All of my energy needs to be focused on living!  My homeopath has told me to start with the 2010 accident and forgiving the people who hit me and their lawyers, however, upon prayer and deep thought I clearly see that it goes deeper than that .... I really need to forgive myself.  It is something that I had not made a conscious effort to do.

The bottom line is that I woke up from a year of post-concussion after an auto accident with stage 3 metastatic bi-lateral breast cancer.  I had lived that year overstressed by the dishonest insurance company and  hating the person that I was forced to be.  It is bad enough to be stupid but for me somehow it was worse when I knew I was stupid.   I had no idea how much of my identity was tied up in the functioning of my brain. Slowly over that year, things did come back.  I could read, do basic math and even cook a meal.  However, my life was in danger, the self loathing of who I now was had gone too far.  Five years later, I am still in a battle but now with cancer.

Forgiveness is a gift.  It is a gift that allows one to release the past and focus on the future with a positive outlook. God has drawn a perfect example for us  ...

in Ephesians 4:32 "Be kind and compassionate with each other, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you.";

in Colossians 3:13 "... Forgive as the Lord God forgave you." ;

and in Matthew 6:14 "For if you forgive others their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you,".

... basically being Christian means that we need to forgive all who have sinned against us because God has done just that for us!  If God has paid the ultimate price and has forgiven me, I truly need to have compassion on others and forgive them. The irony in this is that by having compassion on others I am actually having compassion on myself.   The other parties need or decision to be hurtful or dishonest has nothing to do with me.  I can not control or enforce anyones behaviour but
my own. So it is time to let myself off the hook.  I am not responsible for others.  I am responsible for myself.

After all this time, how had I not forgiven them?  Possibly, because they keep on acting in such a a way that I have seen no need to forgive them.  My reaction to this situation has been one more of sadness rather than anger.  Do I need to forgive people who make me sad? Yes. I probably do. Stanwick's book described a need for me to forgive even when the offending party did not deserve to be forgiven.  They do not have to ask for me to forgive to be forgiven. In fact, I should be praying for them.

I have made a conscious decision and prayed for the ability to forgive the insurance companies lawyer, the trucking company, the truck driver, and anyone else involved.  I have also made the decision to remind myself that I have forgiven them the next time they 'poke' me.  Hopefully, I will get to a spot where I get no emotional reaction at all when I have to deal with them.

Now..... to forgive myself!  For this I will also ask God to send his Holy Spirit to please, heal my soul.  Let me be good enough as I am.  To please, help me to stop basing expectations on myself from the way I used to be. And to, please, stop looking at everything that I can no longer do and for everything that has fallen apart in my life since the accident. This includes forgiving myself for getting cancer.  I truly and deeply want to be healthy and if forgiveness is the key, I will do it. Forgiveness now must be part of my get well formula! Even if it is not the key, then at least I will have discovered a happier better way to live.

I also have decided to work with a psychologist. If my trip to Mexico taught me anything it was that seeing a psychologist is not just to 'learn how to die' (Oh... there is a radiation oncologist from June 2013 that I also need to make a conscious decision to forgive .... will this list end?).  As things continue to pop up, I will continue to forgive.  Now let us watch as God turns evil into good.

God is love and I do pray that God will make me the person that He wants me to become.  I am imperfect person am living in an imperfect world.  May we all become 'forgiving machines' and praise God for his continued gift of forgiveness!

Living Fearlessly ....

I have made a conscious decision to label my new way of living as living fearlessly.  There is power in this decision. Living fearlessly involves handing everything over to God and facing each day with hope and optimism.  Perhaps that is what is meant by the Bible verse that says, "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7   With my fears put away I can focus on what I need to accomplish.   I pray that God will open the right doors for me so that I know I am making the right choices. I know I am mortal and I know that my experiences are part of my life's journey.  As long as I cling to God, I can hand over all my problems to Him to take care of.  There is no sense of dwelling on a future that could be negative.  I have decided to be happy and live for the here and now while doing the best that I can do in the situations that I encounter.  I can even sit back focus on a positive future and watch God turn evil into good.  June saw my youngest son graduate from high school and early July saw me flying down to Mexico for a very quick trip to pick up a vaccine that will boost my immune system. For now, living fearlessly is working well for me.

Last week, I was asked through many tears.... "My dear friend has cancer.  What do I say to them?"

My advice is to tell them ....

1. Know that you are loved and valued.

2.  Whatever you need ask ... I want to be there for you.

3. This is your journey.  Make it your own.

4.  Keep your HOPE alive! "Where there is life, there is hope." (Dennis Waitley)

5.  Focus on life, hope and healing.  (Put fears to the side.)

Do ...

1. Text, email, phone .... keep in touch with them.  Let them know they are supported on their journey.

2.  Something.  If you cook ... then cook them something.  If you sew ... then sew something.  If you have flowers  ... bring them flowers. If you can clean ... volunteer to clean house for them.

I have been surrounded by amazing people who have let me know that I am very loved which has been essential part of keeping me positive during my journey.

A couple of weeks ago, I was driving and thinking.  The reason that I have gone through cancer treatment and continue to search for the magic cure is because of my family and my children.  When I think about how much I love my children it brings tears to my eyes. I want to be around to give them advice and words of guidance when they need it. Basically, I would do anything within the scope of being a beneficial for my children.  Then it dawned on me that as Christians, we are the children of God and the connection was made ... WOW!!  He not only loves us but loves us with a love stronger than the love that I have for my children.  He wants the best for us.  He will guide us, he will protect us, he will help us to be the people he wants us to be .... we only need to ask.... 

My prayer is that everyone can experience that feeling of living fearlessly and have enough faith to put God in charge of their lives.

May God bless continue to bless you on your life's journey.