Test of Faith

  The last couple doctor appointments have been brutal.  Yes, you would think that I would just build a psychological brick wall around myself with just a small peephole to look out.  However, I honestly was expecting that radiation would be a go this time.  Even with the warnings of permanent severe pain, extreme swelling, 80% loss of shoulder use and possible loss of hand use I was willing to do it. So when I was called back in on Wednesday to see the radiation oncologist again, I was sure that he was going to tell me that radiation was a go.  Instead I got a big 'no' and the "this cancer cannot be stopped" speech.  Ugh!?  After 3 reccurrences  ..... getting my head around this once again and my mind onto positive life giving thought is a challenge!  It has been difficult to shake this nervous feeling. So I have been praying and deep breathing. I have also been very appreciative of the people, God has put in my path to tell me to 'be as tough as nails", "you are young", "you can do this", "things are going to be ok", and "keep up the fight".

 However, it seems that no matter how early, when I awake and my brain switches on there is little I can do to stop it.  So I pray.  The other morning, I awoke and started my daily ritual.  After I prayed for forgiveness, healing, guidance, my requests for others, for better world situations, and for God's soon coming,I then reached over and picked up my Bible.  It opened directly to Genesis 18.  The is the story where Abraham and Sarah have guests (messengers from God) who come to tell them that Sarah was going to have a son even though both her and Abraham are in their old age. Sarah who is eavesdropping laughs to herself.  How could she have a baby? (verse 12) The story continues with .....

¹³ And the LORD said unto Abraham, Wherefore did Sarah laugh, saying, Shall I of a surety bear a child, which am old?

¹⁴ Is any thing too hard for the LORD? At the time appointed I will return unto thee, according to the time of life, and Sarah shall have a son.

"Is anything too hard for the Lord?"

The line rang in my head like an alarm. The Lord is the creator of all and the Father of everything good.  I am God's child and I need to continue to trust that He has everything in control.  My dilemma has been revolving around the fact that I do not know what to do to stop the cancer from coming back.  I pray and pray.  Others pray and pray for me more.   Like Sarah my faith is being tested.  

I believe in being proactive along with prayer. As a result, one of my requests has been that God open doors for me, so that I can learn what to do to have my health restored.  As a result, a door has been opened and it looks like I am travelling to a clinic in Baja, Mexico.  I am going for an 4 day assessment.  After which they will recommend a treatment plan. The worst that could happen is that I will learn more about how to extend my life expectancy.  This will be a huge expense and funds are an issue. I will trust in the Lord that He will provide a way, if this is what I am to do.  

May God bless you in your life's journey. Happy Sabbath. 

My Frustration

I want to yell!  I want to run away!! Please, I want this cancer to be gone!!!  I pray to God daily and among my thanks for blessing and requests for blessings and healing for others, I  tell Him that I want my health restored and the cancer gone.  Lord, please, get all the cancer out of my body! 

I am on the mend. My surgery went well.  And so far I do not seem to be missing my left triceps segment that they removed and my left hand works perfectly. My surgeon is happy so that means that I am happy, as well.  He would really like if they would do radiation on my upper left arm and is sending me to see a radiation oncologist.  This makes me cringe slightly because we all know the wonderful experience I had with "Dr. Doom" that I saw about 1.5 years ago.  Her crystal ball was very broken.  Although it might be refreshing to tell her ..."Hey look!  I am still alive!" :) The basic point is that some doctors like to say negative things ... and we are allowed to have enough common sense to NOT believe everything that comes out of their mouths. 

On Wednesday, I saw my medical oncologist.  Even though my CT scan is clean and there is no indication of cancer elsewhere he wants me to start chemo on Feb 12, 2015. He will be on holidays but I will see his retired counterpart (The "I come back to do prove that I am still smart and the more drugs you are on the better" doctor) on the 11th and then start chemo the next day.  So what is my problem ..... I HATE CHEMO!!  and I just have a gut feeling that if there is no cancer they are just running around shooting in the dark.  That's it! That's all!  And this is totally interfering with my 'get health and get strong plan' .... my quest is being put on hold... for now!

So, two weeks ... I have two weeks to shake this feeling of hating chemo, get my head around this and go in there with positive 'kick cancer's butt' attitude. I am struggling with it ... and so once again I must put this is God's hands.  I have been telling Him that if I am not supposed to do this, to make it really clear to the doctors.  Maybe God could hit them with a 'figurative' lightening bold. And if I am supposed to to this, then make that clear, as well.  It is not my worry. I have put this problem in God's hands.  If God wants me to go through with this round of chemo, I will go through with this  chemo regime.

Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yes, I will help thee; yes I will uphold you with the right hand of my righteousness.
Isaiah 41:10


Oh ... the pathology will be back in a week and if the cancer has changed, again, there may be a totally different plan.  This is too much to think about.  God has got it.  God is in control.  This is not my worry, it is God's problem.  I am God's problem.  And He can handle it!  and me too!

In the mean time, I think that a little Taylor Swift singing "Shake it off" is a good prescription.

All is well!!  Happy February .... the days are getting longer and spring will soon be here.  

God bless one and all!