One Day at a Time ...

The birds are singing outside and I sit waiting ... on Thursday is chemo #4.  With each chemo I have felt almost what can be described as panic.  It is as if I am going on a trip and will be gone for at least a week.  I feel a need to prepare and get things organized. It is the whole 'want' versus 'need' dilemma. I keep listing in my head ... what needs to get done? what do I want to get done? what do I have to get together for myself so that I can make things somewhat pleasant for myself and my family? Today the panic does not seem to be as bad as in the past. Perhaps it is because I have things somewhat in order ... or perhaps I have come to acknowledge just what is not important ... as long as there is food in the house and my prescriptions are here.  What else is there really to get done?

Last week sent me into a tizzy. My chemo was actually scheduled for last Thursday but on Wednesday I learned that due to a lack of white blood cells in my body it was to be cancelled.   I have been told   that I will be switched from the FEC combination to Docetaxel which means new side effect.  These include the lifting of fingernails and all body hair disappearing (good bye eyebrows...).  Now, I was also being told that I needed to learn how to give myself a shot of Neulasta (the magic drug that although extremely expensive was going to get my white blood cells back on track). The hardest part to swallow was that I would not be re-assessed for early surgery ... I was going for the full round ... 5 more chemo treatments ahead.  I felt overwhelmed and a bit like throwing up. It was like opening a cupboard door and having all the plastic containers bounce off the top of my head and spew all over the floor.  The nurse told me, " It is going to be OK. Your body just needs a break and I will teach you all you need to know about giving yourself needles."  A week later, I can look back and say that it was good to have an extra week just to rest and feel OK.

At the time, all I could think about was that I was too sick to have chemo and I was going to have five more which means months of torture.  It took a day or so to get over my initial feelings. My 'ah - ha moment' came when I realized that I needed to approach this like I had at the very beginning ... one day at a time ... one chemo at a time ... broken up into smaller pieces it is something I can handle.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."  Matthew 6:34

It worked out. I enjoyed my week off and was able to visit with my sister who I had not seen in almost a year.    God has a plan.  I just need to trust in him.  God knew that I needed a break both physically and mentally.  I feel like I am ready for the challenges of my next chemo.  Life, right now, is easier to accept as 'one day at a time'.