Test of Faith

  The last couple doctor appointments have been brutal.  Yes, you would think that I would just build a psychological brick wall around myself with just a small peephole to look out.  However, I honestly was expecting that radiation would be a go this time.  Even with the warnings of permanent severe pain, extreme swelling, 80% loss of shoulder use and possible loss of hand use I was willing to do it. So when I was called back in on Wednesday to see the radiation oncologist again, I was sure that he was going to tell me that radiation was a go.  Instead I got a big 'no' and the "this cancer cannot be stopped" speech.  Ugh!?  After 3 reccurrences  ..... getting my head around this once again and my mind onto positive life giving thought is a challenge!  It has been difficult to shake this nervous feeling. So I have been praying and deep breathing. I have also been very appreciative of the people, God has put in my path to tell me to 'be as tough as nails", "you are young", "you can do this", "things are going to be ok", and "keep up the fight".

 However, it seems that no matter how early, when I awake and my brain switches on there is little I can do to stop it.  So I pray.  The other morning, I awoke and started my daily ritual.  After I prayed for forgiveness, healing, guidance, my requests for others, for better world situations, and for God's soon coming,I then reached over and picked up my Bible.  It opened directly to Genesis 18.  The is the story where Abraham and Sarah have guests (messengers from God) who come to tell them that Sarah was going to have a son even though both her and Abraham are in their old age. Sarah who is eavesdropping laughs to herself.  How could she have a baby? (verse 12) The story continues with .....

¹³ And the LORD said unto Abraham, Wherefore did Sarah laugh, saying, Shall I of a surety bear a child, which am old?

¹⁴ Is any thing too hard for the LORD? At the time appointed I will return unto thee, according to the time of life, and Sarah shall have a son.

"Is anything too hard for the Lord?"

The line rang in my head like an alarm. The Lord is the creator of all and the Father of everything good.  I am God's child and I need to continue to trust that He has everything in control.  My dilemma has been revolving around the fact that I do not know what to do to stop the cancer from coming back.  I pray and pray.  Others pray and pray for me more.   Like Sarah my faith is being tested.  

I believe in being proactive along with prayer. As a result, one of my requests has been that God open doors for me, so that I can learn what to do to have my health restored.  As a result, a door has been opened and it looks like I am travelling to a clinic in Baja, Mexico.  I am going for an 4 day assessment.  After which they will recommend a treatment plan. The worst that could happen is that I will learn more about how to extend my life expectancy.  This will be a huge expense and funds are an issue. I will trust in the Lord that He will provide a way, if this is what I am to do.  

May God bless you in your life's journey. Happy Sabbath. 

My Frustration

I want to yell!  I want to run away!! Please, I want this cancer to be gone!!!  I pray to God daily and among my thanks for blessing and requests for blessings and healing for others, I  tell Him that I want my health restored and the cancer gone.  Lord, please, get all the cancer out of my body! 

I am on the mend. My surgery went well.  And so far I do not seem to be missing my left triceps segment that they removed and my left hand works perfectly. My surgeon is happy so that means that I am happy, as well.  He would really like if they would do radiation on my upper left arm and is sending me to see a radiation oncologist.  This makes me cringe slightly because we all know the wonderful experience I had with "Dr. Doom" that I saw about 1.5 years ago.  Her crystal ball was very broken.  Although it might be refreshing to tell her ..."Hey look!  I am still alive!" :) The basic point is that some doctors like to say negative things ... and we are allowed to have enough common sense to NOT believe everything that comes out of their mouths. 

On Wednesday, I saw my medical oncologist.  Even though my CT scan is clean and there is no indication of cancer elsewhere he wants me to start chemo on Feb 12, 2015. He will be on holidays but I will see his retired counterpart (The "I come back to do prove that I am still smart and the more drugs you are on the better" doctor) on the 11th and then start chemo the next day.  So what is my problem ..... I HATE CHEMO!!  and I just have a gut feeling that if there is no cancer they are just running around shooting in the dark.  That's it! That's all!  And this is totally interfering with my 'get health and get strong plan' .... my quest is being put on hold... for now!

So, two weeks ... I have two weeks to shake this feeling of hating chemo, get my head around this and go in there with positive 'kick cancer's butt' attitude. I am struggling with it ... and so once again I must put this is God's hands.  I have been telling Him that if I am not supposed to do this, to make it really clear to the doctors.  Maybe God could hit them with a 'figurative' lightening bold. And if I am supposed to to this, then make that clear, as well.  It is not my worry. I have put this problem in God's hands.  If God wants me to go through with this round of chemo, I will go through with this  chemo regime.

Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yes, I will help thee; yes I will uphold you with the right hand of my righteousness.
Isaiah 41:10


Oh ... the pathology will be back in a week and if the cancer has changed, again, there may be a totally different plan.  This is too much to think about.  God has got it.  God is in control.  This is not my worry, it is God's problem.  I am God's problem.  And He can handle it!  and me too!

In the mean time, I think that a little Taylor Swift singing "Shake it off" is a good prescription.

All is well!!  Happy February .... the days are getting longer and spring will soon be here.  

God bless one and all!  

New Perspective ....

Life if good!  I love being alive! I love my life! and I love all those around me.

Monday, I got the call.  I was sitting at my desk at work ... first day back in almost two years.  I had been there about 1.5 hours.  The phone rang and it was my surgeon.  His words to me were, "This is trouble.  I need to see you today so that we can lay out a plan."

The Tuesday prior I had been in my surgeon's office for a checkup when I pointed out a 'thickness' on the upper backside of my left arm.  He took a biopsy and immediately booked a CT scan.  The CT scan happened that Thursday.  And now surgery is booked for Friday, January 23, 2015.  He is planning on taking my left triceps and missing the nerve that controls my left hand.  I would like to still be able to use my left hand but as I told him before, " If you need to take the whole arm.".   The good news in all this is that I am NOT stage 4.  The cancer is still local and being dealt with very quickly.


I was feeling kind of numb about this and was struggling with my perspective on this whole thing when a few things happened.

1.  I overheard something while waiting for my appointment with the surgeon that I was not meant to hear. It made me shake my head and realize that things could be a lot worse.

2.  A recent news story hit the internet about Dionne Warner. CBC news  Twenty years fighting the breast cancer and 7 times she has had it reoccur.

3.  At church this weekend there was a beautiful young mom who struggles with kidney failure. She has a son who needs surgery again for the third time. The congregation was asked to pray for them both.

Do you know what?  I am not that bad off and I have more people to add to my prayer list.  In fact, I would even say that I am blessed!  I am in God's hands and He is taking care of me.

I also had an epiphany when I realized that my focus should be on staying healthy and being here for my family.  I am actually considering a quest or an attempt to discover what I need to do to stop this disease from coming back.

"... seek and ye will find ...." Matthew 7:7


May God bless you, guide you, and be close to you.  Love,  Holly

May you be Strengthened ....

Recently I have spent a great deal of time pondering one of my favourite Bible verses.
Ephesians 3:16-19 ...

¹⁶ That He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might by His Spirit in the inner man;

¹⁷ That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love,

¹⁸ May be able to comprehend with all saints what [is] the breadth, and length, and depth, and height;

¹⁹ And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God.

Such a wonderful promise.  It is amazing that we can ask for so much.  I also pray this prayer...  that God may strengthen all those around me (especially my friend who recently when through a cancer surgery and is in ICU)  according to the riches of His glory.  There is nothing else that we need than to have than to have God fill us with his strength and love. When I feel overwhelmed by the events around me these verses give me a feeling of total calmness. God is our awesome Heavenly Father.  He is in control and that all we need to do is ask and He is with us, strengthening us, and helping us with whatever we need. 

I am loving being drug free and looking forward to returning to work in January 2015.  On January 6, I have an appointment with my surgeon to have my armpit checked, again.  I have such a deep need for my life to be normal.  Normal for me would be to be able to go to work and contribute in my community.  If it is God's will, my wish will come true.  

Christmas blessings, love, strength and happiness to one and all!  

  

Remission! Yes! Remission!

"Lord, my God, I called to You for help, and You
healed me." Psalm 30:2

Wednesday, September 3, 2014 started out as any usual day except that I was scheduled for an appointment with my oncologist.  The alarm rang and I rolled out of bed.   After a quick shower, breakfast and bottle feeding our two little goats, I made sure that my 16 year old son was out of bed and getting ready for school before I hopped into the truck for the drive into the Tom Baker for my appointment.   During the morning rush, I did take time to talk to God.  And part of my morning prayers included the following request ....
"Dear Heavenly Father, Please, bless Dr. P. and give him the wisdom to know the best treatment plan for me...."

I parked and walked across the street to the Tom Baker. As I approached the back door entrance, I spotted Dr. P. darting to the door.  He held the door open for me, I entered the building and turned to take the shortcut up the stairs. Dr. P. followed. He said something about being late and I thought to myself this means that I better pick up the pace.  So I trotted up the stairs to the second floor.  He kept pace behind me and mentioned as he went by on his way to the third floor that it was nice to see me skipping up the stairs.  I had just raced my medical oncologist up the stairs and I think I won! :) Being drug free sure suits me.

Later at my appointment with Dr. P., he was going over my last test results and then started talking about the new drug and the not so nice side effects when suddenly he got up and said ... "just a minute" and walked out of the room.  I sat there nervously thinking about the cancer drugs and hoping for no side effects.  When he returned he had in his hand the pathology from my surgery in March which he started to go through ....."Negative, negative, negative ....".  He looked up at me and quietly said, "All the test results indicate that you are in remission. And so with your last test results there is no cancer and no need for any drugs."   I was stunned!  He had said REMISSION! I am in remission!  God is good!  From my understanding the cancer morphing into a triple negative cancer was actually a good thing.

So here I am in remission and drug free!  It is better that I could have wished for.  Life is good! God is good! My cup runneth over with gratitude! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

May all glory go to God!   I am in his hands and once again he has delivered me.

Clean CT ..... Yahooo!!

Good morning! and yes it is an amazingly good morning!!

I am loving summer! I am loving the sunshine and flowers and fresh veggies from my small garden.  I am also very excited about my sister and cousin and aunty coming to Canada! We have a fun family picnic planned.

Less than a week ago, I sat in a chair waiting from my blood draw.  While chatting for the nurse, I mentioned that I was feeling nervous about the CT scan results that I was about to receive at my oncologist appointment. . She told me, "You look amazing and your body knows what is going on.  So you do not need to be nervous."  I responded with 'Thank you'.  The nurses kind words had given me that little boost of faith that I needed in that moment.

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours (Mark 11:24 NIV).  My CT scan was CLEAN!  It is an answer to prayer.  My oncologist is very happy and that makes me happy, as well.  God is good!  A friend said to me, "You have beat it!" .... my response is ... "No.  God has beat it.".  All glory be to God the great healer and master of all! :) Praise the Lord! The strange thing is that even if the scan results had been the opposite, I still would be praising the Lord. (Though I am sure that it would be with tears in my eyes.)  I know that He is taking care of me and that I am in his hands.   My treatment plan has again, changed.  So Carboplatin and Gemcitabine chemo treatments have been stopped and I have been given 3 weeks off.  On September 4, I go in to see my oncologist again and the plan is that I will start on Everolimus and Exemestane.  These will be taken orally for the rest of my life.  The goal is to stop any cancer from growing.   I asked, "When can I go back to work?" and was told that we need to wait and see.  About 50% of the patients have no problem with these drugs.  The other 50% ... well we will see.  I continue to pray for wisdom for my oncologist when he is making choices for me and that I am in the 50% that has no issues. :)  Thank you everyone for your support, love and prayers! I am sure that is why God has put us on this earth is to be kind to one another.  Love and blessings to all! :)

Spring Flowers and Summer Growth

I am so grateful the miracle of spring and the amazing green growth that summer brings.  Every blossom, every leaf, every blade of grass is a reminder to us of God's love and his caring for us. July is such a month of amazing warmth and growth.  This summer we have had very few mosquitoes. So I have been enjoying every minute of it.

This Thursday will see the start of round 7.... I can not help it but I have been counting days ... days to my last treatment and if I get day 8 treatment of my 8th round the last treatment will be on September 11.... I am so close
and so happy!

My body has been struggling with blood counts so I have missed the day 8 treatment for the few couple of rounds.  My sweet homeopath says that my body is trying to tell me that it is enough.  My oncologist says that 'yes' I am getting enough of the chemo drug and he is happy with my progress. I hate to say this but I really do not mind missing the day 8 treatments. I know from experience day 8 is not far enough from day 1 ..... I personally need more time to forget what happens on day 1.

Last Monday, I went for a CT scan.  It is to see if this latest bout of chemo treatments is working (cancer has not spread) or not working (cancer has shown up elsewhere).  So far so good.  I am thinking positive and continue to pray for, once again,a clean CT scan.  Wednesday I will find out my results so I am already making sure that someone will be with me.

I am very much looking forward to my sister visiting and our annual family picnic on the 23rd.

John 16:33  I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Life is good. May I always remember that no matter what tribulation I experience,  God is with me.

Happy summer and many blessings to all! :)