Forgiveness ...

I have forgiven before.  I have even forgiving people for things when I could not understand their motivation. However, upon prayer and urging from my homeopath, I have come to the conclusion that there are more people that I need to forgive!

So in order to fulfill my need to get information quickly, I have turned to the internet and also read Annette Stanwick's book Forgiveness: the Miracle and the Mystery.  I came across some really good information on the internet, as well .... 12 steps to Forgiveness, 7 steps to Forgiveness or how about the 4 steps described in Desmond Tutu's book  .... this needs to get done quickly. I also like another source which is very to the point. It refers to our feelings as being 'fickle' and says that it may take time for our feelings to catch up with our decision to forgive.

In all practicality, I have written my own 6 steps of forgiveness that I need to go through ...
1. recognize who/what I need to forgive
2. pray and tell God that I have forgiven them while asking for the ability to forgive them totally
3. if I get bothered by continued behaviour, I will just need to remind myself that I have no need for an emotional response and remind God that I have forgiven them
4. pray for them and that God bless them
5.  become a forgiving machine ... feeling offended or hurt leads to immediate forgiveness

There is a new booming field of research and clearly points to a need to pay attention to stress in each of our lives.  Countless studies also show stress and anger can cause or worsen diseases, such as cancer, heart disease, and various autoimmune disorders. "  A news story by CBN has the shocking headline "The Deadly Consequences of Unforgiveness". A decreased immune system is the opposite of what I need and want.  I have no time to waste.  All of my energy needs to be focused on living!  My homeopath has told me to start with the 2010 accident and forgiving the people who hit me and their lawyers, however, upon prayer and deep thought I clearly see that it goes deeper than that .... I really need to forgive myself.  It is something that I had not made a conscious effort to do.

The bottom line is that I woke up from a year of post-concussion after an auto accident with stage 3 metastatic bi-lateral breast cancer.  I had lived that year overstressed by the dishonest insurance company and  hating the person that I was forced to be.  It is bad enough to be stupid but for me somehow it was worse when I knew I was stupid.   I had no idea how much of my identity was tied up in the functioning of my brain. Slowly over that year, things did come back.  I could read, do basic math and even cook a meal.  However, my life was in danger, the self loathing of who I now was had gone too far.  Five years later, I am still in a battle but now with cancer.

Forgiveness is a gift.  It is a gift that allows one to release the past and focus on the future with a positive outlook. God has drawn a perfect example for us  ...

in Ephesians 4:32 "Be kind and compassionate with each other, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you.";

in Colossians 3:13 "... Forgive as the Lord God forgave you." ;

and in Matthew 6:14 "For if you forgive others their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you,".

... basically being Christian means that we need to forgive all who have sinned against us because God has done just that for us!  If God has paid the ultimate price and has forgiven me, I truly need to have compassion on others and forgive them. The irony in this is that by having compassion on others I am actually having compassion on myself.   The other parties need or decision to be hurtful or dishonest has nothing to do with me.  I can not control or enforce anyones behaviour but
my own. So it is time to let myself off the hook.  I am not responsible for others.  I am responsible for myself.

After all this time, how had I not forgiven them?  Possibly, because they keep on acting in such a a way that I have seen no need to forgive them.  My reaction to this situation has been one more of sadness rather than anger.  Do I need to forgive people who make me sad? Yes. I probably do. Stanwick's book described a need for me to forgive even when the offending party did not deserve to be forgiven.  They do not have to ask for me to forgive to be forgiven. In fact, I should be praying for them.

I have made a conscious decision and prayed for the ability to forgive the insurance companies lawyer, the trucking company, the truck driver, and anyone else involved.  I have also made the decision to remind myself that I have forgiven them the next time they 'poke' me.  Hopefully, I will get to a spot where I get no emotional reaction at all when I have to deal with them.

Now..... to forgive myself!  For this I will also ask God to send his Holy Spirit to please, heal my soul.  Let me be good enough as I am.  To please, help me to stop basing expectations on myself from the way I used to be. And to, please, stop looking at everything that I can no longer do and for everything that has fallen apart in my life since the accident. This includes forgiving myself for getting cancer.  I truly and deeply want to be healthy and if forgiveness is the key, I will do it. Forgiveness now must be part of my get well formula! Even if it is not the key, then at least I will have discovered a happier better way to live.

I also have decided to work with a psychologist. If my trip to Mexico taught me anything it was that seeing a psychologist is not just to 'learn how to die' (Oh... there is a radiation oncologist from June 2013 that I also need to make a conscious decision to forgive .... will this list end?).  As things continue to pop up, I will continue to forgive.  Now let us watch as God turns evil into good.

God is love and I do pray that God will make me the person that He wants me to become.  I am imperfect person am living in an imperfect world.  May we all become 'forgiving machines' and praise God for his continued gift of forgiveness!

Living Fearlessly ....

I have made a conscious decision to label my new way of living as living fearlessly.  There is power in this decision. Living fearlessly involves handing everything over to God and facing each day with hope and optimism.  Perhaps that is what is meant by the Bible verse that says, "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7   With my fears put away I can focus on what I need to accomplish.   I pray that God will open the right doors for me so that I know I am making the right choices. I know I am mortal and I know that my experiences are part of my life's journey.  As long as I cling to God, I can hand over all my problems to Him to take care of.  There is no sense of dwelling on a future that could be negative.  I have decided to be happy and live for the here and now while doing the best that I can do in the situations that I encounter.  I can even sit back focus on a positive future and watch God turn evil into good.  June saw my youngest son graduate from high school and early July saw me flying down to Mexico for a very quick trip to pick up a vaccine that will boost my immune system. For now, living fearlessly is working well for me.

Last week, I was asked through many tears.... "My dear friend has cancer.  What do I say to them?"

My advice is to tell them ....

1. Know that you are loved and valued.

2.  Whatever you need ask ... I want to be there for you.

3. This is your journey.  Make it your own.

4.  Keep your HOPE alive! "Where there is life, there is hope." (Dennis Waitley)

5.  Focus on life, hope and healing.  (Put fears to the side.)

Do ...

1. Text, email, phone .... keep in touch with them.  Let them know they are supported on their journey.

2.  Something.  If you cook ... then cook them something.  If you sew ... then sew something.  If you have flowers  ... bring them flowers. If you can clean ... volunteer to clean house for them.

I have been surrounded by amazing people who have let me know that I am very loved which has been essential part of keeping me positive during my journey.

A couple of weeks ago, I was driving and thinking.  The reason that I have gone through cancer treatment and continue to search for the magic cure is because of my family and my children.  When I think about how much I love my children it brings tears to my eyes. I want to be around to give them advice and words of guidance when they need it. Basically, I would do anything within the scope of being a beneficial for my children.  Then it dawned on me that as Christians, we are the children of God and the connection was made ... WOW!!  He not only loves us but loves us with a love stronger than the love that I have for my children.  He wants the best for us.  He will guide us, he will protect us, he will help us to be the people he wants us to be .... we only need to ask.... 

My prayer is that everyone can experience that feeling of living fearlessly and have enough faith to put God in charge of their lives.

May God bless continue to bless you on your life's journey. 

Praise the Lord! Life Continues ....

I have really been enjoying the beautiful Alberta spring weather and this weekend we had the blessing of rain!  Rain that freshens and waters and makes everything grow like crazy! :)

Since my return from Mexico I have had a clean CT scan and a negative biopsy!  Yes, I said "negative"!  A new lump on the back of my arm was biopsied and it came back negative.  It is the first time a biopsy has come back as negative!  Perhaps Mexico was exactly what I needed to get onto the right track?!?  Praise the Lord!

Yummy! Yummy! Dandelion :) 

Sabbath morning I was flipping though the Bible and came directly to Luke 8:48 
"And He [Jesus] said to her, 'Daughter, be of good cheer, your faith has made you well. Go in Peace.'"
 I stopped and stared ... this verse speaks to me on so many levels.  This lady had been ill for 12 years.  She has spent all her livelihood on doctors that did not heal her.  Reaching out from a crowd she secretly touched Jesus's robe as he passed by and was healed instantly.  The desire of my heart is to have the cancer gone and to 'go in peace' never having to think about cancer, again.  Not just for me but for all who have heard the words "You have cancer".  God can stop cancer.  We need to reach out and ask. 

"I am the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end."  Revelation 22:13  Only God really knows the direction this is going, but I am very willing to accept any good news.

My Mexico update will have me travelling back to for the vaccine in possibly late June or early July.  I am just waiting for the email that will tell me it is ready to pick up.

I often pray that God will guide me in making good healthy choices.  I hate to admit it but my new thing is dandelions. After telling my husband about 3 years ago that he is never allowed to spray our yard, I was staring out the window and it just came to me.  There are dandelions everywhere!  They are strong! They are healthy! And they are tough to kill! Upon doing some research I discovered that there is currently a clinical trial being done in Ontario because research in this area is having amazing results.  So out I go with my gloves and shovel! :) Leaves for salad, flowers for tea, roots for tea .... and like a squirrel I just need to get to work and stock up enough for winter. :) 

My advice for today is keep positive and ride the wave.  There is a shoreline in the distance. 

All is well!  :) Love and blessings to all! 

Choices ...

After 26 days in Mexico, on Friday I came home to Alberta.  I have come home with a new confidence and feeling very happy!  I now have an open agenda of choices that I can make and whole set of new strategies for dealing with life.  Tomorrow I am booked to see my medical oncologist and I will present to him what I learned from the blood tests (specifically the R.G.C.C. - Research Genetic Canter Centre Ltd test).  This test indicated two chemotherapy drugs that have an 85% effectiveness against the cancer floating around in my blood. The chemo that I had been on scored about a 60% effectiveness.  Radiation would also be effective, however, I would have to find a centre that offered radiation that is targeted (not one that would just blast my whole being). As well, as a radiation oncologist that thought I had a decent life expectancy.

There are a couple of vaccines that are made out of my own blood and scored really effective.  I go back for one in a couple of weeks.  It will be a two day trip.  The vaccine will cost about $4,700 Canadian.  The second one will be a two week adventure because I have to go down and give them more blood which takes 5 days to be made into the vaccine and then I get a series of three shots over the following week.  I am not sure of the cost of this one, yet.

 I am still mulling over the option of low dose chemo for which I would have to cross the boarder into Washington or Oregon.  The advantage of the low does chemo is that I would not get sick and it would be over in 8 weeks.  This is compared to the normal dose chemo that we get here in Canada where  .... well you know ... sick, bald etc. ..... and it would go for about 18 weeks.  The advantage is that I would not have to pay for the Canadian full dose chemo.  I will call and see if I can get a quote from the Washington Clinic today and I will buy a lotto ticket tomorrow.  :)

The stage 4 cancer patients that were at Sanoviv  while I was there were not sick or bald.  They were eating meals, telling jokes, exercising, their tumours were shrinking and they actually looked well! God has blessed their treatments.  One gentleman, who arrived the same day that I did, looked ill when he arrived and I actually saw him almost fall the first week that we were there.  He improved so much in the first two weeks that it was unbelievable. The first thing I noticed was that he was smiling and that his skin colour looked much more healthy! Why can't our health care system do this for Alberta cancer patients?

I honestly think that the R.G.C.C. - Research Genetic Canter Centre Ltd test should be the first thing that all Canadian cancer patients get when diagnosed with cancer.  It would save our Alberta provincial government millions of dollars and patients would have much better outcomes because the chemo is actually killing their specific cancer.  I have been on chemo when a tumour grew with leaps and bounds.  That drug was a total waste of money for me!  All it did was make me miserable, sick and let the cancer grow.  I am sure that I am not the only cancer patient that this happened to. Our provincial government is keen on saving money, so perhaps now would be a good time to write a letter.

"You will make known to me the path of life ..." Psalms 16:11  I continue to pray that God guides all cancer patients and give our doctors the wisdom to know that best choices for us.  I also pray that Alberta will become more innovative with their treatments.

A huge THANK YOU to everyone who has supported me both emotionally and financially!

Onward hoe! All is well!

Calm Healing

Day 21:   The birds are so crazy in love here.  They fly about chasing each other and singing and singing some more.  The weather is once again wonderful. And in five 'more sleeps' I will be flying home.  I have enjoyed my time here and have done quite a few things that I could not even imagined myself doing in the past.  Although, I am not sure if undergoing supervised medical procedures quite qualifies me as an adventurer. 😊 I now have been in the hyperbaric chamber six times.  At this rate I may feel 25 by the time I get home.  I did start having a strange reaction to the vit C IVs and so they have been discontinued.  However, the Laetrile/Amygdalin and other IVs continue. Oh yes, I hit 39.7 C in the full body hyperthermia on Thursday.  We still are waiting for the test results from Greece. At this point the oncologist here is leaning towards sending me back to Canada for full blown chemo.  My Sanoviv psychologist said something this past week that is so simple and yet so ingenious that I need to share .... "focus on healing ... push the worry and stress that comes to the side so that you can use your energy to be healthy". My energy needs to be spent focusing on my healing! Less worry will mean more healing.  I can do that!  My homework that he has given me this week is to figure out how to continue my healing at home.

Yesterday, morning I was flipping through my Bible and came across the story of Daniel in the lions den.  The king at the time, Darius, was manipulated by a group of men into signing a decree declaring that no one was to pray to anyone (gods included) except the king.  Unknowingly, Darius had put Daniel into peril.  Daniel, however, continue to pray to God three times a day "as was his custom". (Daniel 6:10) When Daniel's prayers were brought to the kings attention he had no choice but to cast him into the lions den.  "But the king spoke, saying Daniel, 'Your God, whom you serve continually, He will deliver you' ". (Daniel 6:16) King Darius spent the night fasting and unable to sleep.  Early the next morning he went to the lions den to check on the state of Daniel.  The king cried out,  "Daniel, servant of the living God, has your God, whom you serve continually, been able to deliver you from the lions?" (Daniel 6:20) Daniel responded, "O king live forever!" (Daniel 6:21) Daniel was very much alive and continued, "My God sent His angels and shut the lions mouths, so that they have not hurt me because I was found innocent before Him and also, O king, I have done no wrong before you." (Daniel 6:22) All was well.  Daniel was saved because of his faith. 

Our lives are not going to be stress free.  No matter how hard we try, we will be unable to create heaven here on earth.  Things happen here that we will not understand until the second coming. However, with the right tools we can find the peace and calmness of knowing that we have a God that protects us and takes care of all of our needs. 'Your God, whom you serve continually, He will deliver you' ". (Daniel 6:16)    I have come to trust that no matter what 'lion's den' I am cast into I will be fine because God is taking care of me and you, too. 

All is well!  May God pour his blessings upon you! ❤️

Let There Be Light

Day 14 in Mexico:   I have found hope! I have found the light! The Mexican stage of my journey has taken me to the Sanoviv Medical Clinic in Baja California, Mexico. After the initial 4 day assessment, I have enrolled in the 3 week cancer support program.   The first four days of my stay involved a battery of medical tests which included everything from ultra sounds to blood tests to fitness tests. I may know more about my body than I ever wanted to know. :) 

In the cancer support program,I  have been put on a regime of supplements and have had a blood test
sent to Greece to have my blood fully analyzed.    I spend about 3 hours a day sitting in an IV chair getting liquid supplements. I also have regional hyperthermia on my left triceps area. Twice a week I am put into a full body hyperthermia bed where I sweat more than I thought was humanly possible. Friday, I got up to 38.9 C.  And probably the most bizarre part of this is the  hyperbaric chamber.  It is like being in a small submarine.  After two times in the hyperbaric chamber, I think that my scars are disappearing!  Wow!  There are also appointments with chiropractors, homeopaths, psychologists etc.  It is the total package. 

Oh and yes!  I do feel very safe here.  It is like staying in a beautiful resort that is right on the ocean.  The food here is absolutely outstanding!  At night I fall to sleep listening to the ocean waves and during the day at the top of each hour church bells ring.  I appreciate the Christian atmosphere and we are surrounded by beauty.   It is a wonderful place to relax and get well. The staff and patients here are amazing.  In fact, I am in awe of the strength, courage, support and hope that I see in patients with stage 4 cancer.  

I am so blessed!  My sister was here for the assessment and then my cousin, Kathy, came and will stayed with me until March 11. Having family here for a bit helped me get into the routine and feel comfortable with my treatments.   I am now on my own.  However, with my hope restored, I have once again been able to focus on getting healthy.When I arrived here I was a nervous wreck.  I am now OK and am focusing on health and healing.  There is no room in my heart for fear. There is only room for love, hope and joy.  All is well!

Proverbs 23:7 "For as he thinketh in his heart, so he is ...."

Thank you for your support in my journey.  God Bless! 

Test of Faith

  The last couple doctor appointments have been brutal.  Yes, you would think that I would just build a psychological brick wall around myself with just a small peephole to look out.  However, I honestly was expecting that radiation would be a go this time.  Even with the warnings of permanent severe pain, extreme swelling, 80% loss of shoulder use and possible loss of hand use I was willing to do it. So when I was called back in on Wednesday to see the radiation oncologist again, I was sure that he was going to tell me that radiation was a go.  Instead I got a big 'no' and the "this cancer cannot be stopped" speech.  Ugh!?  After 3 reccurrences  ..... getting my head around this once again and my mind onto positive life giving thought is a challenge!  It has been difficult to shake this nervous feeling. So I have been praying and deep breathing. I have also been very appreciative of the people, God has put in my path to tell me to 'be as tough as nails", "you are young", "you can do this", "things are going to be ok", and "keep up the fight".

 However, it seems that no matter how early, when I awake and my brain switches on there is little I can do to stop it.  So I pray.  The other morning, I awoke and started my daily ritual.  After I prayed for forgiveness, healing, guidance, my requests for others, for better world situations, and for God's soon coming,I then reached over and picked up my Bible.  It opened directly to Genesis 18.  The is the story where Abraham and Sarah have guests (messengers from God) who come to tell them that Sarah was going to have a son even though both her and Abraham are in their old age. Sarah who is eavesdropping laughs to herself.  How could she have a baby? (verse 12) The story continues with .....

¹³ And the LORD said unto Abraham, Wherefore did Sarah laugh, saying, Shall I of a surety bear a child, which am old?

¹⁴ Is any thing too hard for the LORD? At the time appointed I will return unto thee, according to the time of life, and Sarah shall have a son.

"Is anything too hard for the Lord?"

The line rang in my head like an alarm. The Lord is the creator of all and the Father of everything good.  I am God's child and I need to continue to trust that He has everything in control.  My dilemma has been revolving around the fact that I do not know what to do to stop the cancer from coming back.  I pray and pray.  Others pray and pray for me more.   Like Sarah my faith is being tested.  

I believe in being proactive along with prayer. As a result, one of my requests has been that God open doors for me, so that I can learn what to do to have my health restored.  As a result, a door has been opened and it looks like I am travelling to a clinic in Baja, Mexico.  I am going for an 4 day assessment.  After which they will recommend a treatment plan. The worst that could happen is that I will learn more about how to extend my life expectancy.  This will be a huge expense and funds are an issue. I will trust in the Lord that He will provide a way, if this is what I am to do.  

May God bless you in your life's journey. Happy Sabbath.