2018 Here I Come!

Goodbye drugs! Hello to a clearer mind and hello to my prosthetic arm.

I admit that besides chemotherapy, I do not have a lot of experience with drugs. Since, the amputation and the addition of phantom pain, it has been a different story. The main issue is that the last memories my brain has of my left arm is the pain experienced during surgery. That's correct, I was unconscious but my brain recalls exactly what happen to the point that I can actually articulate what my left arm experienced up to the actual amputation. And now without feedback to my brain that my left hand and arm are ok, my brain sends out pain signals telling me that there is a major problem with my left extremity.  The first way to control the 'phantom pain' is with drugs.

In June, I was told by my rehab doctor to 'get off the opioids, now'! And I was ok with it.  Mind you I did have withdrawal symptoms, however, with my goal being health, I persevered.  Then I was left with gabapentin which I began to drop and drop some more until I was just taking 1/5 of the prescribed dose.  I still was experiencing unfathomable fatigue and what I would call early onset dementia as I was forgetting things like my postal code and phone number. The light in this tunnel was that my referral to the chronic pain clinic came through and so I have been working with all kinds of rehab people as well as a physiotherapist on my own. It was a couple weeks before Christmas that I was switched from the gabapentin to Lyrica in hopes to help relieve my fatigue while still getting pain control.  And that is where four days before Christmas, I found myself in a mall parking lot bawling my eyes out. I had been warned that it could be mood altering (more in the sense of ... 'if you feel like murdering someone' kind of thoughts) however, I was not expecting the total wave of emotional darkness that came over me in the form of sadness with this new drug. The next day, I was sitting in church (and yes, I had been praying and asking God what I should do) when clear as a bell I knew  that I had to stop taking the drugs, if I wanted to be well, I had to stop taking the drugs.  So that is the new plan: NO drugs! Yes, there is pain but at least there is now hope that my head will be screwed on straight.  Praise, the Lord that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13. 

2018 will be work for me.  I attend many medical appointments at the chronic pain centre, appointments for rehab/prosthetics and follow-up appointments with my cancer specialists. In January I am booked for a CT scan where they are checking for more cancer.  I have been wearing a weighted left shoulder to get used to weight on my left side again and I also start muscle training for my new left arm.  The plan is that I will have the new left arm by the end of January! And yes, I promise to keep my blog updated.

2017 I am so done with you! And I welcome 2018 with much anticipation and hope!  May God continue to protect each one of us and guide our steps. "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28. Thank you everyone for your continued prayers and kind words of support.  Blessings to you all!

Life Goes On

I am now a one handed typist who is very happy to be alive. I apologize for being offline for so long. My procrastination is a result of my last surgery  however I now have decided to focus on what I can do rather than my challenges and so I will start small by updating my blog.

The irony in this is that my last entry (February 2017) which was entitled "Stand Strong" was aimed at someone who I thought needed encouragement.  However, looking back it was not long after penning that blog it was I who needed the encouragement. Once again cancer returned with a vengeance and the only option that ended with me being alive was to have my left arm and part of my shoulder removed.  Upon my approval surgery went ahead. That was 6 months ago.

I now face life with one arm.  There are struggles:  phantom pain, relearning basic activities like getting dressed, regaining my balance, driving, drug side effects, and exhaustion.  But my joy in being alive outweighs any struggle that I have come across! God is good and has sustained me.  I pray every day that God give me the strength to get done what I need to get done and the wisdom to know what is really important. 

I have started telling my story to anyone who will listen and so have been speaking to church groups.  I have a compelling desire to tell everyone how much God loves each one of us and that our relationship with Him is such an important part of our existence. My life advice that I share with my audiences  is 'get closer to God'.  Three ways to do this are to pray, to read the Bible and to invite the Holy Spirit to live within us.  I think that a turning point in my journey was when I started asking God to fill me with the Holy Spirit.  Galatians 5:22-23 lists the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. These personal qualities describe true happiness to me. Peace with my life journey was what I really needed (honestly I probably needed some of everything). But peace allowed me to accept my life as it is.

My doctors marvel at how well I am doing and I tell them, "God is good".  I plan to continue to live my life and find things that I enjoy and that I can still do. :)  

I did have an interesting summer which was highlight by a road trip with my youngest son down to California where he is going to university.  There is nothing like driving 1000+ miles in a Honda Civic with no air conditioning in the summer heat to create an unforgettable experience.  I will probably always look back at this memory and smile.

My next big adventure will probably be getting my prosthetic arm and figuring out how to use it. :)

All is well! May God's blessing pour onto all of us. Amen. <3

Stand Strong

Good morning, I am up writing this at exactly 7 am on February 2, 2017 because I need to tell you how much  God loves you!!

He loves and cares for you, your family and friends.  Just as the Hubble telescope now has shown scientist that there are more stars in the universe than there are grains of sand on the earth, God's love for us is infinite. The problem with our world is that we live in a world where the devil runs about creating as much destruction, pain and death as possible.  Cancer is certainly one of the devil's tools. No matter what we are going through there is nothing too big for God. 

If you are one of those people who the devil has attacked, take heart, you are not alone. There is no need to be embarrassed or ashamed or think that you have done anything wrong.  I also encourage everyone to ask for God's help.  He is here waiting for us to ask.  The devil simply seems to attack whoever he wants in order to destroy us and our families.

Even if death is the only answer, I can say ..."Though He slay me, I will trust in Him." Job 13:15

I would advise anyone to not play into the devil's hand.  For me personally if the devil wants me dead, I am going to fight.  The devil has not given me an easy time here on earth and so I am not going to make anything for him easy either. I pledge to do as much good as I can for as long as I can.

No matter what happens God has a plan for our salvation.  This plan that has been playing out for centuries.  The main element of this plan is that Christ, God's son, has come to this earth, lived a perfect life, died a painful humiliating death and has risen. 

"For God so love the world that He gave his only begotten Son. That whosoever believes in Him will not parish but have have everlasting life." John 3:16

"He is not here, He has risen ..." Matt 28:6

"I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with Me that you also may be where I am." John 14:3

 Christ's is very alive and His role on earth was for each one of us! We here on earth have not been left alone ...

 "But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.  Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14: 26-27

God is coming back and for those of us that are left here ask God to send the Holy Spirit daily,  put on the armor of God and stand strong. 

 ^"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." Ephesians 6:10-13

Stand strong! 
  


 

Angels, Blessings, Gratitude and Praise!

My last chemo treatment (Vinorelbine) was on October 6.  And surgery was booked for November 10 to remove the rest of the tumour that had been left from the May surgery.  Except (drum roll please...) the MRI came back with no indication of cancer!! Yahoo!!  How did that happen?  There is no medical explanation, so all I tell my doctors is that 'God is Good!  God is Good!'.  And yes, my Tom Baker doctors are very very happy!  In fact, the word my medical oncologist used was "thrilled".

Everyday when I wake up, I thank and praise the Lord for another day.  Everyday is a gift.  And yet, I really should not be that surprised.  I have had so much support from family and friends.  Thank you, again, to everyone who has prayed that I could be done with cancer.  Along with my earthly support, I also had a visit from a heavenly angel.

In November,  I had a dream.  In this dream an angel came to me and said, "You will have cancer one more time and then you will be OK".  My first response was 'What does that mean?!?'  It is fairly simple ... so I will just take it in its simplicity that I will be OK!! I did not tell anyone about this dream at the time because I did not want to have cancer one more time.  However, with the turn in events, I am very happy with that dream and tell anyone about who will listen.  After all, if you can not believe a messenger from God, then who can you believe?

Yet with the prospect of more chemo, even with such an amazing promise my faith wained and I struggled with the 'what now' paranoia.  After surgery in May and the disappointment of a messy pathology report, I was praying that Christ would let me just touch the hem of his garment so that I could be healed.  (See Luke 8: 45-48) Luke 8:48 has become a verse that I meditate on ... "And He [Christ] said to her, 'Daughter be of good cheer your faith has made you well. Go in peace.'".  It was during the week that I started praying for the faith I needed and the privilege of touching the Lord's hem and being totally healed when a church elder called me and said, "We have decided to call together any of the church members who want to pray for you and meet after church to pray for you.  Do you want to be there?"  Yes! Of course I wanted to be there.  It was another answer to my prayers.  "Again I say to you that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them." (Matt 18:19-20) Prayer is powerful and prayer in groups is more powerful!

In a metaphorical way, Christ had provided a way for me to touch his hem.  And then it hit me ... God, the creator of love and everything good, loves me so much and He loves all of us so much!  It has been amazing to sit back and watch God's work.  It is truly a testament to how much He works for and loves all of us.  May my life bring glory to God.

If anyone reading this would like me to pray for them.  Please, let me know and I will be happy to request blessings from God to pour onto you.

May God bless you and keep you close to His heart.  Love,  Holly

God's Healing Power

Another beautiful day and so Thank you Lord! I am alive! I have so many things to do ... where do I start.  I woke up to a house fly dive bombing my head and I was OK with it because there is a reason for everything.... so maybe I was supposed to be up doing my thing.  This morning 'my thing' included a fly swatter.

I only have 3 more chemo treatments left.  Oh .... there is light at the end of the tunnel.  With each chemo I invite God to join me in the fiery furnace (Daniel 3: 23 - 30) and protect me from damage.   My body has been struggling with keeping my blood counts up enough and so chemo has been postponed a couple times.  However, the God of life knows what I need and I trust fully that these postponements are what is best for my health!

I have been fascinated over the past few weeks with the healing miracles in the New Testament and the very fact that God wants humans to be healthy and live full lives.

Here are a few examples of God's healing power from the book of Luke:

Luke 5:13 ... The healing of a leper.

Luke 6: 6-10 ... The healing of a mans hand.

Luke 7:2-10 ... The Centurion's servant is healed.

Luke 7:14-15 ... A widow's son is raised.

Luke 8:48 ... A woman is healed.

Luke 8:49-56 ... Jairus's daughter is raised.

Luke 13:11-13 ... A crippled woman is healed.

Luke 18:35-43  ... A man named Bartimaeus is healed.

The examples continue with probably the greatest account of healing being the raising of Lazarus who had been dead for days.  See John 11.

There is a pattern that emerges when looking at the healing miracles by Christ: a strong faith that Christ can heal and/or the request to be healed.

In Luke 11, just after Christ teaches the disciples how to pray, He tells the parable of the persistent friend.  A friend goes to another friend's home after midnight and asks for three loaves of bread.  At first the friend who answers the door says 'no' and lists reasons why he will not answer the request.  However, because the asker keeps asking, the friend gives him the loaves of bread.  Christ finishes the story by saying, "And I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and it will be opened to you." "For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks find, and to him who knocks it will be opened." (verses 9 and 10)  God wants us to ask and it is very acceptable to keep asking.

May we all be blessed with mountains of faith so that we can ask and see God's healing power in action.

Have a wonderful week and happy birthday to my little brother. :)

God's Love Is Limitless

God is light. (1 John 1:5) God is life. (John 14:16) God is love. (1 John 4:8)

I admit it.  I have been in denial and have been feeling very disappointed.  It was my sincerest wish that the last chemo, Erubulin,  was the key to the end of the cancer.  However, in early May, I had another tumor removed and started back on chemo in June.  With two rounds complete they have informed me this week that I will need four more rounds and then they are sending me for more surgery. That will be surgery number 8.  It is a hard row to hoe and the only thing sustaining me is that this is part of God’s plan.  His love is limitless and He hears my prayers.

There is no end to God’s love and if we choose we can choose to have life beyond what we have experienced here on earth.  God has won the war.  It is over.  Christ came to earth and died for all of humanity so that we may live.  (John 3:16) There is nothing that we can do save ourselves but choose to be a child of God.  We are saved by God’s grace.  (Ephesians 2: 8-9)

I had a favorite song when I was about 14 years old called, “Pass it On”. And the lyrics go something like …

‘It only takes a spark to get the fire going. And then those all around can warm up to its glowing.  That’s how it is with God’s love.  Once you experience it, you spread his love to every one, you want to pass it on …”

God’s love is limitless and extends to everyone. So pass it on!

I confess that every time I open up the Bible to read, it speaks to me!  While wallowing in my disappointment in early June, I opened up my Bible and I stumbled upon Psalms 69 where David is feeling desperate and is pleading with God …

“I sink in deep mire,

Where there is no standing;

I come into deep waters,

Where the floods overflow me.

I am weary with my crying;

My throat is dry;

My eyes fail while I wait for my God. ….

Let not those who seek You be

Confounded because of me, O God of

Israel. ….

Hear me, Oh Lord, for Your lovingkindness is good;

Turn to me according to the multitude of Your tender mercies.

And do not hide your face from your servant,

For I am in trouble;

Hear me speedily.

Draw near my soul and redeem it ….”

And then Psalms 70 where David says, “Make haste, O God, to deliver me! Make haste to help me, Oh Lord.”  Yes, this described what I have been feeling so I found great comfort in David’s words and did not hesitate to make these statements part of my prayers.

Oh, I wish from the bottom of my heart, to just be done with cancer! And done with treatments! Please, “Make haste, O God, to deliver me!”

It is OK to plead with God. Or it is also fine to simply say ‘God thank you for hearing my prayers.’ God hears our prayers. The important thing is to let God know that we humbly are requesting his intervention.

 

When I do not get the answer I want in the timing that I want, I quote Job, …..

“Though He slay me, I will trust in Him.” Job 15:13

By trusting God there is nothing to lose.  People ask me ‘How can you be so happy and look so full of life?’.  Frankly, I trust God and realize that I would not be alive today except that He has been taking care of me. By the grace of God, I actually look amazing and will get through this as well.

God is in charge. He has limitless love and is in control.  I will live my life on his terms.

May God bless you and may you experience and share His limitless love. 

I would like to dedicate this blog entry to my Aunty Edna. She truly lived a life that exemplified that God’s love is limitless. Thank you.

Pray for the Miracle ...

“Trust in the Lord thy God with all thine heart

and lean not on your own understanding,

in all your ways submit to him

and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

Spring is my favourite time of the year.  I can look around and see miracles everywhere and if they are not happening fast enough outside, I buy little planters and start things growing inside. 

We are all the product of a miracle simply because we are alive.  Enjoy your miracle of life!  I am!  May all the glory of this miracle go to God!

I pray for my miracle of being healthy every day and that God puts the thoughts I need to think in my head, in my doctors’ heads and the heads of my other helpers. I am so blessed because I know there are also others who pray for me, too.   My oncologist tells me to keep doing whatever I am doing because it is working.  And I tell him that there is a lot of prayer going on. J

It is already March and I have not updated my progress in too long.  I am doing really well.  I have finished the Erubulin chemo.  My appointment on December 30 had me in shock because I thought I was done.  However, my oncologist in all his wisdom had decided that I needed 2 more rounds (4 more treatments / 6 more weeks). This is because I ‘was handling it well’ and statistically the more rounds the better the outcome.  I am all for better outcomes. So on New Years Eve at 5:15 pm as others were going out to celebrate, I was going in for chemo.  My December CT scan was clean.  I am booked again for a CT on April 12. I am feeling well but I will humour my doctor and get it done.

I have now been on this cancer journey now for five years.  Near the beginning of my journey I remember being in the Tom Baker for treatment and noticing a very young man across from me getting very ill because of the chemo he was being administered. It was then that I starting praying that God would intervene. We need a cure for this horrific disease or a least treatments that work and are were more tolerable.

As time passes,  my request is being answered. And there are a new few things that I am going to share that I am very excited about.  I hate when doctors say, “There are not options for you.”  So here is a list of options that I have not put into my blog, until now: 

1.  There is a Clinical Trial from BC called Personalize Oncological Genome (or POG).  Basically, they take a piece of the tumour and figure out what will kill it.  They have been having so much success in BC that it is being expanded to be Canada wide. It is called the National Access Program is being offered to all Canadians. And if you do not get into the program, they will run the testing for $1000 CND. This is a link to the recent news story: Vancouver Company Offers free Gene Analysis for Cancer Patients. 

2.  The Rigvir treatment is being offered in a Mexico clinic called Hope 4 Cancer. Rigvir therapy has gone through clinical trial and works!  It is basically a virus that attacks the cancer itself and leaves your body unharmed.  It was featured in the recent 'The Truth about Cancer' video series. 

3.  Numerous news stories about immunotherapy are being successfully used in Canada have been broadcast. Here is one.... Immunotherapy Treatment

I encourage everyone to pray and ask for the desires of their heart. Pray for the miracle because God hears our prayers.  All is well!  May God bless you and Happy Easter!