Radiation

It is said that cancer changes people.  I feel like the same person but I wake every day with a glow in my heart and a smile on my face. I am alive and what do I get to do today? Life has become a celebration. I enjoy every moment that I get to spend with my family and am in wonder at what surprises will happen everyday. Thursday had a fun surprise for us. My oldest son was accepted to the University of Calgary.  He is going to embark on an adventure that will change his life and I get to watch it. Yesterday, I was able to watch my youngest son play in a basketball tournament.  It is a trill to see him hit 3-point shots and celebrate when his team wins. Such a blessing it is to watch my children grow up.  I have received an amazing gift.  The gift of life and I am going to have some fun!

Romans 8:21 “…God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God …”

The Christmas season is nearing and my standing joke is that I am putting on a ‘glow’ for Christmas:  The glow of radiation.

It is somewhat of a science fiction type of experience. I go for radiation every weekday and as of yesterday have completed 11 of the 25 prescribed sessions.

My rules for radiation (there are always rules … the radiation ones are quite simple)

·      Allowed 1 multi-vitamin, 1000 IU vitamin D, and a calcium/magnesium supplement daily

·      Use a water based moisturizer on the area being radiated 2 – 3 times daily

·      No green tea

·      Pace yourself

·      Be 15 minutes early for each treatment

·      Do not move, laugh or even sneeze during treatments

It takes me about 45 minutes to get to the Tom Baker Cancer Centre (on good roads).  I am so fortunate that I feel well enough to park east of the hospital on Toronto Crescent where parking is free as long as I am not parked there from more than 2 hours.  From there I walk down the hill or slide (depending on the amount of snow), cross the street and enter the cancer center basement entrance.  Radiation is in the basement and so I follow a yellow line to unit 1 where I slip my appointment schedule into a slot and change into a scratchy hospital gown.

The unit 1 radiation room is large with a really high ceiling and cold.  The coldness is because the machine needs it cold. I am given a warm blanket for my legs but my upper body is left bare.  I tell myself that this is good for my circulation.  If I ask, the tech will also put a blanket on my arms.  I lay on the hard narrow bed with my head on an apparatus and my arms above my head holding onto small handles that are directly above my head.  This position is not entirely uncomfortable but I do have to block out the fact that they have raised the bed about five feet in the air.  There are green grid lines that shine down on my body to which they line up my new tattoos and draw lines with markers to make sure that the treatment area(s) are exactly where they need to be.   When things are lined up perfectly, treatment begins.  Usually they start with the left side and then to the right.  A large camera lens type apparatus rotates around me to the correct position, beeping starts and then loud buzz begins. I imagine that the buzzing is a laser gun burning my cancer to ashes. When finished it moves to the next position and this continues until the treatment is complete.  Early on in the treatments, I learned I was special because they book an hour appointment for me. My allotted time takes up the time that 4 people usually take up and so “no” I am not allowed to change my appointment times.  So I show up with a smile on my face and ready to go in my time slot.

 

So far radiation treatments have done little more than cause tiredness, skin irritation and a little nausea.  My chest actually looks like I have been spending way too much time in a tanning salon and has become itchy.  I deal with my tiredness by taking power naps.  The feeling hits me in the afternoon and I just need to sleep.  I have been having wonderful heavy healing naps.

I learned this week that with the knowledge that they have today, I will not be able to say that I am in remission.  Perhaps in five years there will be a definitive test.  Aggressive cancer treatment is a good thing because as in my case it kills cancer and gives the patient an extended life.  I would never wish what I have gone through on anyone.  Someday I will be able to say, “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.”, 2 Timothy 4:7   However, cancer in 2011 is not always a total death sentence.  For the lucky ones it is a chance to figure out what life is all about.

Praise the Lord for the good roads, for my health and for this gifts that He has given me. Again, I am so grateful to all the kindness and prayers of the wonderful people around me. Merry Christmas to everyone!  May you enjoy the season and be blessed with much happiness and love.

"Never say Never"

 Life has handed me a plate of new experiences.  I have always had a stubborn streak ... one that allowed myself to say " I will never ...".  All I can say is that cancer has changed things.  Here are a some things that come to mind ...

• Tattoos ... no choice because they are needed for radiation mapping.
• Boob job .... still thinking on this one
• Stuffing my bra ... Yes ... I admit it! It helps me to camouflage the extent of my experience. 
• Dependent vs. independent ... Just give up ... take help whenever it is offered.  There are lots of things that I needed help with whether I admitted it or not
• White gloves ... they worked ... and so kept germs away
• Wear a wig ... this is funny ... so not 'me' until now ... who am I anyway?
• Toss the wig off ... if it gets too itchy or hot pull it off and go commando
• Embrace the baldness ... it feels awesome!
• Draw on eyebrows ... because it really is fun!
• Look forward to a boy haircut ... can't wait until my hair is long enough for one.
• Primping ... hours of it. Really! It helps soften the side effects of my treatments ... self care from cuticles to mouth care to eyes ... it sometimes feels like it will never end ... I do have really soft skin. :)
• Me 1st ... Wow!! Wave the white flag ... I had to be physically beaten down but I finally did figure out that if I did not put myself first I was not going to get better.  Cancer forces one to be self centered.  (which is very OK.)
• 'Stuck up' and it is OK... positive happy people are the ones who I wish to be around me.
• Cry anytime and anywhere ... It is important to just let it out!
• Talk to my cancer .... "Get out of my body cancer!You are not welcome!
• 'Let it go' ... if it is meant to be then it will be ...

Radiation is scheduled to start at the end of the week.  And as my dear Aunty Fern said to me ... Worry about nothing.  Pray with thanksgiving. Make you request known to God.  "And the peace of God which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:6,7

Additions:

• December 12 - Today I was instructed by the Radiation Tech that I need to spend at least an hour a day topless.  Air is good from my skin. So during radiation, I will be strolling around the house topless.   Please, call if you plan a visit. :)

Pathology Report!

Smiles and hugs to all!  This is better than I dreamed.  When people asked me when my pathology report was going to be done, I would jokingly say .... they are taking so long because they can't find any cancer.  I did not realize how close to the truth I really was. :)  This is the email that I sent out last night ...

"The surgeon called me tonight.  He said that the reason the pathology report
took so long was because they had trouble finding any cancer.  They did find
some micro-deposits where the tumours had been but he says that the cancer
is beat. Five of the 24 lymph nodes that were removed had had cancer in them
but it was dead.  He also said that it is very rare to see such positive
results to chemo treatments. I might not even need radiation!  Praise the
Lord! God is good!!"

"Rejoice evermore.
Pray without ceasing.
In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you."
1Thessalonians 5:16 - 18
 

May everyone have a wonderful weekend! :)

Resilience!

3 weeks and 6 days post surgery and I see a glimmer of how wonderful life can be.  Resilience ... I praise the Lord for resilience ... for the ability to go through trials and 'bounce back' with a spring in my step. My plan is to focus on getting well and enjoy life.   It is amazing how the Lord has created our bodies so that they can be resilient and heal.  For the first few days after surgery I could not even shower myself.  Imagine the joy in my heart when I discovered that I could shower without asking my husband to help me.  Independence is such a blessing.  On Monday I was amazed because I actually felt well. This past Friday, a kind pastor came to visit me.  Before she left she prayed that God would continue my healing and bless me.  Friday night was the first night since surgery that I have slept without pain or pain killers.  It was amazing.  Since then I have discovered that I can sleep on my side.  Again ... it is amazing!! This experience has made me truly grateful for the small things (like even being able to reach for a glass in the cupboard) and very grateful for the kindness in the hearts of my family and friends who have stepped up to help me. May God bless you all!

Like King David, I know with whom the praise for a victory lies.

Psalms 44 : 4 - 8 You are my King and my God, ....
⁶ I put no trust in my bow,
   my sword does not bring me victory;
⁷ but You give us victory over our enemies,
   You put our adversaries to shame.
⁸ In God we make our boast all day long,
   and we will praise your name forever.

One week ago I started doing my walks, again. Yesterday, I was up to 2 walks.  As I stroll, I am in awe of the beauty that God has put all around me.  Even with the change of seasons, I enjoy seeing the snow on the mountain tops.

The pathology report is not done, yet.  I am not anxious about it because I have decided that with the Lord's help I am going to finish well.

God is good!  I will continue resting and getting well.  I embrace this time of growth and accept Divine healing.

New Beginnings ...

I want to let everyone know that surgery went very well.  The surgeon said that he could not have imagined that the surgery would have gone as well as it did.  His comment made me smile because I know that God was with us in the operating room.  I am so happy because I am feeling so blessed and things are going in the right dirrection.  Praise the Lord!  God is good!!

Here is a link to a You Tube video that reminds us all that God is with us always. :)

Rascal Flatts - I Won't Let Go

God Bless you all!!

Update .... October 6, 2011

I have such good news!! My cancer has responded very well to the chemotherapy and statistically this makes my prognosis and chances of survival very very good.  We will find out more from the pathology report after my surgery.
So much has happened in the past week. My current goal is to focus on the next step in my journey ... the surgery.
1. Last DOC chemo treatment was cancelled due to complications that the drug was causing.
2. Chemo one week ago consisted of Herseptin.  I will continue on the Herseptin treatments for another year.
3. Surgery (full mastectomy and lymph node removal) has been moved up to be on October 14, 2011.
4. Tomorrow, October 7, I go for blood work to make sure that my blood counts are high enough for surgery.
5. Legs are currently swollen and stiff due to fluid retention. 
6. I attended an information session this morning at the Women's Health Centre to learn more about my surgery along with prevention and management of very possible side effects.

I continue to walk every day and am going to add in the arm exercises that I need to do after surgery so that they become part of my routine.  I am surrounding myself with positive thoughts and am focusing on being as healthy as possible so that I can hopefully get over as much of  the chemotherapy side effects prior to going to surgery.

The cancer experience has certainly opened my eyes to the experience of being diagnosed with a potentially terminal illness.   I however discovered that I have been so fortunate that my medical team has been very positive with me when speaking about my prognosis and that if I was ever going to have cancer I am fortunate to have the cancer that I have. As a cancer patient, I have spent a good deal of time in the Tom Baker Cancer Centre. During my treatments, I have not really connected with a lot of patients.  However, last week, while waiting for  blood work I leaned over to the bald cancer patient next to me and asked ... "so what kind of chemo are you on?".  She replied that she was currently on a 'trial' drug and that she had ovarian cancer.  Her name was Georgina. She wanted me to know that the key to survival was to have a positive attitude.  The next day when I entered the waiting area for chemo patients, there sat Georgina.  I greeted her with a smile and sat down to eyeopening conversation.  She wanted me to know the signs of ovarian cancer because her cancer had turned into stage 3 cancer very quickly.  With tears and fear in her eyes she told me that ovarian cancer patients usually only live 5 years post diagnosis. She was currently on year 3.  Georgina knows more than me ... she knows the fear of certain death... she knows what it is like to go through chemotherapy for 3 years. I only know what 6 months is like. But as a fellow cancer patient, I think that I understand.  Matthew 5:3 comes to mind. "Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the Kingdom of heaven. Belssed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted." Georgina was mourning for the life that was being taken from her.

I wanted to hug her and tell her that it was going to be ok.  All I could offer her was that I would pray for her. A small but as I have learned a very powerful gesture.  As I was called in for my treatment, I wished her the best.  I truly hope that our treatments would continue to coincide.

The wisdom that I wish to leave with you today is that it is so important to pay attention to our bodies and take care of ourselves. No one else will do it. I wish you much happiness, laughter, peace, love and blessings. 

Where now??

Waiting is hard.  Right now, I am waiting for the call that will tell me if I am getting one more round of the DOC chemo or if I will be going to surgery in early October.  I am praying that God's will be done.  It is day 16 after my last chemo and I am so stiff that I hardly can move ... even my fingers are fighting me ... so I am not a huge fan of the DOC chemo ... but am willing to do whatever will give me the best chance.

I have heard whole sermons on how God needs to be number one on our list of priorities and I have always wondered 'why would we ever put God on a list of importance?'.  God is the reason that each of us exist.  He planned that I would be born less that a year after my big brother.  He wanted me to grow up in a Christian farm  family with four brothers, a sister and numerous cousins.  He picked my career ... I had too many options ... but he knew what he wanted me to do.  He chose my husband and has given me wonderful children.  He has protected me so many many times.  He has also put many kind people in my life to help me through my trials.  It is fine to make a list of what is important in your life but put it in your life book with a title that says "God's plan for me".  God is omniscient. God is everywhere.  He does not belong on a list.  I say that God should be captain of our ship or head coach on our team.  When we put him in charge, our lives can truly become what they are meant to be and everything will just fall into place.

No one ever said that life was going to be perfect and neither are people. Satan knows our weaknesses and will use them against us.  I have be struggling with chemo side effects and thinking about my impending surgery.  I had someone say some very disrespectful and mean things to me last weekend. I'm not sure why the comments made me so sad.  My family is not very close to this person and I recognize that they probably are not mentally well.

"A merry heart is [like] medicine; but a broken spirit drieth the bones." Proverbs 17:22

It was not until my husband said to me, "Satan knows your weakness and he is using it.  Satan does not want you to get well.  You don't do well dealing with mean people and Satan is using them to make you sad. Pray and tell God to get Satan out of your house."  What a relief ... not to know that Satan was successfully using someone to work on me but to recognize that I could do something about it. Pray and pray some more!

1 Corinthians 15:33 says ... "Evil company corrupts good habits".  I am so grateful for all the good people around me and support that I am getting.  I am also very happy that God do not expect us to be in situations with evil people especially when it makes us uncomfortable.  I have to choose to just stay away from them.   I have enough to deal with right now and keeping a merry heart needs to be my focus.

I like this quote. " Tell of the matchless power of Christ, and speak of His glory.  All heaven is interested in our salvation. The angels of God, thousands upon thousands, and ten thousand times ten thousand, are commission to .... guard us against evil and press back to powers of darkness that are seeking our destruction."  (E.G. White, The Ministry of Healing)  Did you get that .... ten thousand times ten thousand of angels looking out for us!!  Praise the Lord! I really like those odds because those angels are on my side.  I am praying right now that God send in some extra reinforcements to help me through my struggles.  God Bless you all and enjoy the amazing fall weather. I will.  :)