Almost there ...

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. His love endures forever." Psalms 136:1

I will sing praises for the rest of my days about the Christmas 2011 and New Year 2012 weather. The roads were amazing and so my trips into radiation were uneventful and smooth.  In fact, January 4, 2012 was the warmest January 4 in 98 years. (http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/calgary/story/2012/01/04/calgary-record-breaking-weather.html) I even started wearing my running shoes because there was no snow or ice to worry about. On the second last day of radiation, I emerged from the house at about 8:20 am to start the truck and stopped stunned and in total awe of the beautiful sunrise. The air was warm and calm. It was like God had created a perfect moment to worship him. Everything that is good comes from God.  Thank you Lord for giving me moments to remember that you are God and are all around us protecting, guiding and taking care of us.

No worries about global warming though because less than a week after I was done my daily drives, school was canceled because of a -39 degree Celsius forecast.  We  now have snow and are in a winter deep freeze. God knew that I did not need extra stress of driving and so was taking care of me.

Warning adult content: you may wish to skip the following 3 paragraphs if you do not have a strong stomach.

Please, do not feel sorry for me.  This is something that most radiation patients go through.  I am only giving the experience a voice so that others may understand the experience a little better.  And maybe someone may be inspired to create a new a better treatment.  I am sure that in 5 to 10 years people will look back and just shake their heads at what cancer patients had to endure in 2012.

John 14:16 "And I will pray the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may abide with you forever."  Praise the Lord for the 'Helper' that I have been given to get through this.

Going to radiation treatments became work! Alas, naps have become my best friend. Radiation did not make me ill except that sometimes I had and still have a metallic taste in my mouth and have lost my appetite (minor details compared to chemo). Now 9 days after my radiations were complete, I take my hat off to anyone who has gone through radiation and have invented a new word ... clumping ... it describes what radiated skin does at it leaves the body ... a sunburned person would peel but the word peeling just does not do justice to what my skin is doing.  Bubbling, blistering, oozing and just looking painfully disgusting.  It has sort of a raw hamburger appearance.  So across my chest and under my armpits I have radiation burns in all of its glory.  Every morning and evening I change my dressings.  I wash off the left over cream (Glaxal Base) in the shower and then gently use a cotton swab to remove anything that is left on my skin.  I then paint on a thick layer of Glaxal Base cream onto which I apply a layer of gauze.  Under each armpit I put a clean maxi-pad because they have a little more structure to them and so seem to stay in place better than the gauze. I am taking prescription pain killers. I tried to do it without them but found myself sucked into a vortex of pain and agony that I was not handling well. The nurse who administered my herspetin at the Tom Baker yesterday evening gave me the ever repeated talk on germs and staying away from them.  She also apologized over and over again for having to touch my skin (in order to access my port-o-cath) but there was nothing else she could do.  I am so grateful that my husband was able to drive me in for my appointment.

Earlier this week my Aunty Fern emailed me a verse from Lamentations  3: 22 & 23.  "The Lord's unfailing love and mercy still continue fresh as the morning, as sure as the sunrise." I am not sure, if she knew but this verse has given me the strength to get through this last bit of my treatments.  Just to know that each morning as I looked in the mirror at my skin that God's love was being renewed in me. He again was giving me the strength to get through.  I can not help but to juxtapose my cancer experience to that described in Lamentations.  The city of Jerusalem was under the siege of Babylon  and had been reduced to rubble and burned along with the temple. Jeremiah tearfully describes the funeral of this once great city. In God, Jeremiah finds hope and comfort.    I pray that like Jerusalem, I will put this experience behind me and rebuild.

Happy to New Year!! And many blessings to all. :)

Radiation

It is said that cancer changes people.  I feel like the same person but I wake every day with a glow in my heart and a smile on my face. I am alive and what do I get to do today? Life has become a celebration. I enjoy every moment that I get to spend with my family and am in wonder at what surprises will happen everyday. Thursday had a fun surprise for us. My oldest son was accepted to the University of Calgary.  He is going to embark on an adventure that will change his life and I get to watch it. Yesterday, I was able to watch my youngest son play in a basketball tournament.  It is a trill to see him hit 3-point shots and celebrate when his team wins. Such a blessing it is to watch my children grow up.  I have received an amazing gift.  The gift of life and I am going to have some fun!

Romans 8:21 “…God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God …”

The Christmas season is nearing and my standing joke is that I am putting on a ‘glow’ for Christmas:  The glow of radiation.

It is somewhat of a science fiction type of experience. I go for radiation every weekday and as of yesterday have completed 11 of the 25 prescribed sessions.

My rules for radiation (there are always rules … the radiation ones are quite simple)

·      Allowed 1 multi-vitamin, 1000 IU vitamin D, and a calcium/magnesium supplement daily

·      Use a water based moisturizer on the area being radiated 2 – 3 times daily

·      No green tea

·      Pace yourself

·      Be 15 minutes early for each treatment

·      Do not move, laugh or even sneeze during treatments

It takes me about 45 minutes to get to the Tom Baker Cancer Centre (on good roads).  I am so fortunate that I feel well enough to park east of the hospital on Toronto Crescent where parking is free as long as I am not parked there from more than 2 hours.  From there I walk down the hill or slide (depending on the amount of snow), cross the street and enter the cancer center basement entrance.  Radiation is in the basement and so I follow a yellow line to unit 1 where I slip my appointment schedule into a slot and change into a scratchy hospital gown.

The unit 1 radiation room is large with a really high ceiling and cold.  The coldness is because the machine needs it cold. I am given a warm blanket for my legs but my upper body is left bare.  I tell myself that this is good for my circulation.  If I ask, the tech will also put a blanket on my arms.  I lay on the hard narrow bed with my head on an apparatus and my arms above my head holding onto small handles that are directly above my head.  This position is not entirely uncomfortable but I do have to block out the fact that they have raised the bed about five feet in the air.  There are green grid lines that shine down on my body to which they line up my new tattoos and draw lines with markers to make sure that the treatment area(s) are exactly where they need to be.   When things are lined up perfectly, treatment begins.  Usually they start with the left side and then to the right.  A large camera lens type apparatus rotates around me to the correct position, beeping starts and then loud buzz begins. I imagine that the buzzing is a laser gun burning my cancer to ashes. When finished it moves to the next position and this continues until the treatment is complete.  Early on in the treatments, I learned I was special because they book an hour appointment for me. My allotted time takes up the time that 4 people usually take up and so “no” I am not allowed to change my appointment times.  So I show up with a smile on my face and ready to go in my time slot.

 

So far radiation treatments have done little more than cause tiredness, skin irritation and a little nausea.  My chest actually looks like I have been spending way too much time in a tanning salon and has become itchy.  I deal with my tiredness by taking power naps.  The feeling hits me in the afternoon and I just need to sleep.  I have been having wonderful heavy healing naps.

I learned this week that with the knowledge that they have today, I will not be able to say that I am in remission.  Perhaps in five years there will be a definitive test.  Aggressive cancer treatment is a good thing because as in my case it kills cancer and gives the patient an extended life.  I would never wish what I have gone through on anyone.  Someday I will be able to say, “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.”, 2 Timothy 4:7   However, cancer in 2011 is not always a total death sentence.  For the lucky ones it is a chance to figure out what life is all about.

Praise the Lord for the good roads, for my health and for this gifts that He has given me. Again, I am so grateful to all the kindness and prayers of the wonderful people around me. Merry Christmas to everyone!  May you enjoy the season and be blessed with much happiness and love.

"Never say Never"

 Life has handed me a plate of new experiences.  I have always had a stubborn streak ... one that allowed myself to say " I will never ...".  All I can say is that cancer has changed things.  Here are a some things that come to mind ...

• Tattoos ... no choice because they are needed for radiation mapping.
• Boob job .... still thinking on this one
• Stuffing my bra ... Yes ... I admit it! It helps me to camouflage the extent of my experience. 
• Dependent vs. independent ... Just give up ... take help whenever it is offered.  There are lots of things that I needed help with whether I admitted it or not
• White gloves ... they worked ... and so kept germs away
• Wear a wig ... this is funny ... so not 'me' until now ... who am I anyway?
• Toss the wig off ... if it gets too itchy or hot pull it off and go commando
• Embrace the baldness ... it feels awesome!
• Draw on eyebrows ... because it really is fun!
• Look forward to a boy haircut ... can't wait until my hair is long enough for one.
• Primping ... hours of it. Really! It helps soften the side effects of my treatments ... self care from cuticles to mouth care to eyes ... it sometimes feels like it will never end ... I do have really soft skin. :)
• Me 1st ... Wow!! Wave the white flag ... I had to be physically beaten down but I finally did figure out that if I did not put myself first I was not going to get better.  Cancer forces one to be self centered.  (which is very OK.)
• 'Stuck up' and it is OK... positive happy people are the ones who I wish to be around me.
• Cry anytime and anywhere ... It is important to just let it out!
• Talk to my cancer .... "Get out of my body cancer!You are not welcome!
• 'Let it go' ... if it is meant to be then it will be ...

Radiation is scheduled to start at the end of the week.  And as my dear Aunty Fern said to me ... Worry about nothing.  Pray with thanksgiving. Make you request known to God.  "And the peace of God which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:6,7

Additions:

• December 12 - Today I was instructed by the Radiation Tech that I need to spend at least an hour a day topless.  Air is good from my skin. So during radiation, I will be strolling around the house topless.   Please, call if you plan a visit. :)

Pathology Report!

Smiles and hugs to all!  This is better than I dreamed.  When people asked me when my pathology report was going to be done, I would jokingly say .... they are taking so long because they can't find any cancer.  I did not realize how close to the truth I really was. :)  This is the email that I sent out last night ...

"The surgeon called me tonight.  He said that the reason the pathology report
took so long was because they had trouble finding any cancer.  They did find
some micro-deposits where the tumours had been but he says that the cancer
is beat. Five of the 24 lymph nodes that were removed had had cancer in them
but it was dead.  He also said that it is very rare to see such positive
results to chemo treatments. I might not even need radiation!  Praise the
Lord! God is good!!"

"Rejoice evermore.
Pray without ceasing.
In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you."
1Thessalonians 5:16 - 18
 

May everyone have a wonderful weekend! :)

Resilience!

3 weeks and 6 days post surgery and I see a glimmer of how wonderful life can be.  Resilience ... I praise the Lord for resilience ... for the ability to go through trials and 'bounce back' with a spring in my step. My plan is to focus on getting well and enjoy life.   It is amazing how the Lord has created our bodies so that they can be resilient and heal.  For the first few days after surgery I could not even shower myself.  Imagine the joy in my heart when I discovered that I could shower without asking my husband to help me.  Independence is such a blessing.  On Monday I was amazed because I actually felt well. This past Friday, a kind pastor came to visit me.  Before she left she prayed that God would continue my healing and bless me.  Friday night was the first night since surgery that I have slept without pain or pain killers.  It was amazing.  Since then I have discovered that I can sleep on my side.  Again ... it is amazing!! This experience has made me truly grateful for the small things (like even being able to reach for a glass in the cupboard) and very grateful for the kindness in the hearts of my family and friends who have stepped up to help me. May God bless you all!

Like King David, I know with whom the praise for a victory lies.

Psalms 44 : 4 - 8 You are my King and my God, ....
⁶ I put no trust in my bow,
   my sword does not bring me victory;
⁷ but You give us victory over our enemies,
   You put our adversaries to shame.
⁸ In God we make our boast all day long,
   and we will praise your name forever.

One week ago I started doing my walks, again. Yesterday, I was up to 2 walks.  As I stroll, I am in awe of the beauty that God has put all around me.  Even with the change of seasons, I enjoy seeing the snow on the mountain tops.

The pathology report is not done, yet.  I am not anxious about it because I have decided that with the Lord's help I am going to finish well.

God is good!  I will continue resting and getting well.  I embrace this time of growth and accept Divine healing.

New Beginnings ...

I want to let everyone know that surgery went very well.  The surgeon said that he could not have imagined that the surgery would have gone as well as it did.  His comment made me smile because I know that God was with us in the operating room.  I am so happy because I am feeling so blessed and things are going in the right dirrection.  Praise the Lord!  God is good!!

Here is a link to a You Tube video that reminds us all that God is with us always. :)

Rascal Flatts - I Won't Let Go

God Bless you all!!

Update .... October 6, 2011

I have such good news!! My cancer has responded very well to the chemotherapy and statistically this makes my prognosis and chances of survival very very good.  We will find out more from the pathology report after my surgery.
So much has happened in the past week. My current goal is to focus on the next step in my journey ... the surgery.
1. Last DOC chemo treatment was cancelled due to complications that the drug was causing.
2. Chemo one week ago consisted of Herseptin.  I will continue on the Herseptin treatments for another year.
3. Surgery (full mastectomy and lymph node removal) has been moved up to be on October 14, 2011.
4. Tomorrow, October 7, I go for blood work to make sure that my blood counts are high enough for surgery.
5. Legs are currently swollen and stiff due to fluid retention. 
6. I attended an information session this morning at the Women's Health Centre to learn more about my surgery along with prevention and management of very possible side effects.

I continue to walk every day and am going to add in the arm exercises that I need to do after surgery so that they become part of my routine.  I am surrounding myself with positive thoughts and am focusing on being as healthy as possible so that I can hopefully get over as much of  the chemotherapy side effects prior to going to surgery.

The cancer experience has certainly opened my eyes to the experience of being diagnosed with a potentially terminal illness.   I however discovered that I have been so fortunate that my medical team has been very positive with me when speaking about my prognosis and that if I was ever going to have cancer I am fortunate to have the cancer that I have. As a cancer patient, I have spent a good deal of time in the Tom Baker Cancer Centre. During my treatments, I have not really connected with a lot of patients.  However, last week, while waiting for  blood work I leaned over to the bald cancer patient next to me and asked ... "so what kind of chemo are you on?".  She replied that she was currently on a 'trial' drug and that she had ovarian cancer.  Her name was Georgina. She wanted me to know that the key to survival was to have a positive attitude.  The next day when I entered the waiting area for chemo patients, there sat Georgina.  I greeted her with a smile and sat down to eyeopening conversation.  She wanted me to know the signs of ovarian cancer because her cancer had turned into stage 3 cancer very quickly.  With tears and fear in her eyes she told me that ovarian cancer patients usually only live 5 years post diagnosis. She was currently on year 3.  Georgina knows more than me ... she knows the fear of certain death... she knows what it is like to go through chemotherapy for 3 years. I only know what 6 months is like. But as a fellow cancer patient, I think that I understand.  Matthew 5:3 comes to mind. "Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the Kingdom of heaven. Belssed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted." Georgina was mourning for the life that was being taken from her.

I wanted to hug her and tell her that it was going to be ok.  All I could offer her was that I would pray for her. A small but as I have learned a very powerful gesture.  As I was called in for my treatment, I wished her the best.  I truly hope that our treatments would continue to coincide.

The wisdom that I wish to leave with you today is that it is so important to pay attention to our bodies and take care of ourselves. No one else will do it. I wish you much happiness, laughter, peace, love and blessings.